Blackout Shades

When I worked night shift I was quickly introduced to an ingenious creation. Blackout shades. Even the faintest ray of light to most night shift people is a lot like a pea under the mattress of a princess. The result is interrupted sleep, tossing and turning. But blackout shades...man they allowed me to stay asleep. I found even the brightest most intense rays of summer sun could not penetrate those God given pieces of cloth. With my blackout shades I was completely oblivious to the life and activity going on around me as I slumbered.

I remember sitting on the floor in my room as a kid, praying. Asking God to speak to me. I wanted desperately to hear His voice and be in His will. All I ever heard was silence. While I was discouraged and disappointed I knew it was possible. I knew if I believed I would eventually hear Him. Why I believed I don't know, other than it was this knowing I felt in the depths of my heart. I knew He was there. I knew there was nothing I couldn't handle because He was there. I knew in time I would hear Him.

There was a man named Saul. Acts chapter 9 speaks of his "conversion". It's an amazing story of a man who believed he was living out his purpose and was stopped in his tracks by God. Suddenly redirected. The purpose of his misguided passion and tenacity literally diverted and reversed in direction. It's so beautiful. I think I find it so breathtaking because I have experienced and know his story very personally. The specifics of our lives aren't the same but our conversion is.

Like Saul I have had a person like Ananias in my life. March 2007 was my road to Damascus. I was talking to a dear friend of mine about the happenings in my life. The darkness. The fight. The hope and faith that just WOULD not let me quit or surrender. The constant fellowship while I ran and sat in silence. How I couldn't explain why I did what I did or said what I said...I just knew it's what I needed to do or say. I felt it. To go against it would be to go against the grain of my heart. Levi was my Ananias at this time. He spoke, and the words he said caused the blackout shades that had been blocking light to my heart to fall. It was at this time I realized I not only had blackout shades to help me sleep, I had proverbial blackout shades covering my heart and eyes. He prayed and I began to see. Suddenly colors were vibrant and clear. I was aware of everything around me. So much life. So much oppression. For the first time I started seeing people and the state of their heart. I started seeing the truth of me and my heart. It's not easy to realize decisions you had made were because of a twisted lie. All my life I had let others define me. March 2007...was the first day I stopped looking to others and set my gaze on Him knowing I do hear Him.

One thing I love about Him is He doesn't stop. He continues to remove the multi layered blackout shade I have. As each layer falls, He takes me to a higher deeper level of healing, redemption, and love. I am blessed to have people in my life that know and see me. People I've known for years and people I've just met. They honestly share what they see and hear. It's uncomfortable. It's not easy. He protects me from being hurt by the truth and gives me the strength to take it in and face it. As uncomfortable as it is, I love it. As He pierces through the shadowed and darkened areas of my heart through people, His word, songs...He is answering my prayer. "Remove from me, show me, point out to me ANYTHING that is keeping me from you." Most recently I've realized...it's good to make decisions. For awhile I have entertained a very subtle fear that I shouldn't make decisions. I will fail if I do. I will make a mistake. I can't make a wise decision. It's bull shit. A layer that is falling because someone called me out on it.

We all have proverbial blackout shades. It's my prayer that if you haven't had a "road to Damascus" experience it happens very soon for you. If you have experienced His breathtaking life changing piercing light then you don't settle and know it's a continual journey. It doesn't stop on the road...it's a way of life. May you bathe in His life giving light, truth, grace and love.


p.s. First big decision...I'm registered in my first half marathon April 22nd. Ahhh...so exciting.