Exodus

***This blog is from a very special collection of writings to/for my sista, my dear friend, my sweet love Mari. Pat. Thomas.  Knowing, she knows and trusts me, I feel compelled to share this.***




I'm not sure how many of you have an era in your life you overcame.  Maybe with a little challenge and stretching.  Or maybe like me a complete shattering of all you were to be pieced back together into who you were meant to be.  

When we trust Him, God, with our everything.  We give him permission to unload, uncover, dig up anything hindering us and tempting us to live in a state of half truth, half life/half death...settling for a grass hut in the desert when He offers what we truly desire.  For me it would be a cabin in the mountains.  With a wood burning stove, rain barrels outside, a huge garden, flowers and trees...you get the idea.  I submitted my life to Him as a child.  I was in the first grade.  I remember the conviction of needing Him to know I desired Him.  I needed Him to know I chose Him.  Just to make sure He knew how serious I was, I went to just about every altar call I could.  But that first time was all it took.  In the moment I became His.  

I've read a few articles on salvation by John Piper.  If you haven't read any of His stuff you MUST.  He's incredible.  And I must say thank you so much Flynn for introducing me to his heart and words.  I mention this because one of his articles spoke of the very thing I wrote about below.  Salvation and life don't come into stages.  It is a continual process of submission, redemption, sifting, proclaiming, refocusing, experiencing...  It is all connected.  All intermingled.  Nothing is to be separated, forgotten, denied, ignored, hidden.  Below is a post I wrote to my stunning sista M.P.  I share it with you because I have a feeling I'm not alone.  I want you to read and see how He moves, speaks, and guides...it's personal.  But if we don't get real and vulnerable with each other then how will we ever overcome the lies and tauntings that confine and suffocate us?! 

"I was asked recently how I’m handling all the paperwork I’m filling out for the Guard.

Honestly it’s been very stretching.  It’s been so hard associating me with that name again.  Odynski.  Blah.  It’s like dirty lukewarm dishwater with soap scum remanent hovering over the top of the water, in my mouth.  You know the kind of dishwater that has wilted lettuce and food particles floating in it.  Makes your skin crawl just thinking bout your hand in it to take the stopper out.

I’ve had to delve into the past ten years of my life.  When I say delve I mean…we’re going deep.  Like Finding Nemo with scary teeth and glowy light fish, deep.  The hours I have spent on the phone.  Ohh man.  You know how I am with the phone.  I have had to remember and find all the addresses I’ve lived at over the past 10 years(there are 9 of them by the way)  AND name people…full names at that, who knew me at those addresses.  AND all the jobs I’ve worked along with supervisors and their full names(there are eight of them).  AND the times I was unemployed and someone that knew me during that time.  AND all the debt/accounts I’ve taken care of over the last couple years with amount paid off, dates, and account numbers and addresses/phone numbers to the companies.  And any traffic tickets I’ve had over the last 10 years.  Then I had to fill out info on Jeff.  Ughh.  When I called all these people 90% of them had no idea who Anna Thomas is.  She doesn’t exist to them.  I had to identify with Odynski.  Blah.  Spew.  Gag.

My response to that question was…I’m doing pretty well.  I’m plugging along.  Then I chewed on the question a little.  I realized I wasn’t really interacting at all with it.  I was plowing through it.  Trying to just get it done.  He slowed me down.  As He so often does.

I haven’t completely felt the weight of it all.  I think I’m still kinda numb and resistant.

How?!?!?!

How, do I…(tears).  How do I, with my head held up high, and heart strong, alive, and beating…allow myself to allow who I was be a part of who I am?  How do I not completely cut her off and throw her into the past I’m so eager to put to rest?  How do I allow her to stand in my shoes?  How do I not keep her in the attic, locked away in rags, like the evil step mother from Cinderella?!?!  How do I let Him redeem and sanctify Anna Odynski?

I’ve realized all this time I’ve been living my life as if it was in two stages.  Lost and Found.  Dead and Alive.  Dark and Light.  Nightmare and Fairy Tale.

He told me yesterday, as I was thinking about the question, He’s taking into account my exodus.  Like the israelites leaving Egypt, I’m leaving my life of slavery and oppression.  I’m on the brink of the promised land.  It’s a census of my life.  No detail left unaccounted for.  No separating my life in two pieces.  Connecting it all.  Counting everything.  Recording it all for one file.  Every address, job, debt…literally the facts of my life on paper.

I am so ashamed of her.  So disappointed.  So judgmental.  Like unrighteous royalty looking over my nose at her begging on the street.  I just want to get out of the dark stench filled slums to my castle asap.  God forgive me, please.  Soften my heart to myself…

Wow…I didn’t see any of that coming.  I had no idea it was there.  I’m still crying.

Do you think the israelites cut who they were off from who they became?

I’ve rejoiced in my transformation and freedom and healing…I’ve thanked Him and praised Him.  But I’ve mismanaged something.  I can’t put my finger on it exactly.  I feel like He’s asking me to come along side Anna Odynski and bring her into the light.  Not be ashamed.  Embrace her and give her my sliver spoon.

Silver Spoon

***This blog is from a very special collection of writings to/for my sista, my dear friend, my sweet love Mari. Pat. Thomas.  Knowing, she knows and trusts me, I share this...so you too can know the truth of your silver spoon.***

Silver Spoon.  Think about it for a tic.  What comes to mind when you think of a silver spoon?

I briefly mentioned to you my quest to wrap my head around the value of my heart.  What I deserve.  Why I deserve anything.  Do I in fact deserve what I have always wanted.  How I value my heart vs how others value it.

For as long as I can remember the sermons in church that impacted me and how I see my heart are the ones I heard as a child.  The ones condemning me to hell because I’m sinful.  The ones urging me to earn His love.  Stating my heart is wretched, ugly, not good enough, and a disappointment.  Sending me into a perpetual cycle of trying to earn His love and prove my love.  Which eventually ended in failure because I am human.

I didn’t realize how deeply embedded these half truths were, until a few weeks ago.

This truly isn’t just about my heart…it’s about your too.  And Philip’s.  And Ezra’s.  And…

What is your response when someone proclaims…your heart is beautiful.  It’s golden.  It’s good.  It’s kind.  It’s priceless.  It’s…  Dumbfounded.  That was always my response.  Then debate.  But it’s also selfish.  Judgmental.  Deceitful.  Weak.  Undisciplined…  I don’t deserve anything.  That’s what I truly believed in my heart.  I’m not perfect…I get things wrong.  I don’t deserve His blessings.  I deserve mediocre.  I deserve pretty good.  If I was better then I would deserve better.  What a pile of bullshit, eh’.(That was appropriately matched with a strong emotion.  Just saying.  I’m not donating to your jar…lol)

It’s been a battle.  How can it be both?!  Usher in Paul in the new testament…  My heart says, desires and intends this.  My body does this.  I am not my what my body does.  *Paraphrasing of course*

Flynn’s wise words are what started breaking through the musty shadows and cobwebs.  You want to be better because you love Him.  Your desire to be better is one way you love Him.  It’ll be a continual process all you life.  It’s a good desire.  Not meant to oppress and enslave you, but to challenge and free you.  *again paraphrasing*  Those, or rather one’s similar, are what she spoke to me after I broke down from the earlier part of the conversation.  I felt guilty for buying something for myself.  She and I had just been discussing purchasing something, I think it was couches.  I expressed to her the fact I’d rather not spend money on something like that when we have decent couches now and the money could go towards something else.  Then my thoughts turned to the purchase I had made earlier that day.  A silver heart necklace.  One I had been eyeing for 4 months.  I was drawn to it.  It wasn’t necessarily needed, like the couches, but I wanted it.  I showed her the necklace I had around my neck and her response was like a warm natural spring to my guilty achey heart.  It’s perfect…she said.  It’s totally you.  You so deserve it.  Tears.  Tears started rolling down my face.  You never do anything for yourself Anna.  I’m so glad you got it.  You deserve it.

My silver heart necklace is made out of a silver spoon.  Knowing how He loves me…knowing there’s meaning behind everything, I googled silver spoon.  I thought there had to be more to it than the negative connotation of “born with a silver spoon in her mouth” I knew.  I thought no way…I’m not spoiled.  I’m not entitled.  I’m not a rotten brat.  Then He started reminding me of words He had spoken to me through scripture.  About treasures…blessings…heart being good…riches…princess/daughter/beloved…mansions…  Then I remembered telling Flynn how He spoils me.  How I’m so blessed.  He opened my eyes to how I had been living in the half truths I embraced as a child and how they hindered His love and ability to bless me.  He told me I do deserve a priceless life.  Because I’m His and because He said so.  I was born with a sliver spoon the moment I embraced Him and asked Him to be my Savior…my Love…my Redeemer.  There is nothing to earn.  Nothing to prove.  I deserve it because I’m His.  Heaven’s riches are my inheritance and I didn’t have to lift a finger to work for it…I just had to say the word.  Forgive me.  I’m lost and dead without you.  Save me please.  I believe in your unconditional sacrificial death defying love.

That evening I finally believed…I deserve it.  I deserve priceless and more.  My heart is that stunning.  That loving.  That generous.  Like Cinderella rising from the dust of a shabby attic and putting on the glass slipper…I wear my silver spoon.  It truly is perfect.  A symbol of truth.  Love.  Me.  Believing in this truth has made all the difference.  It causes anything that would tempt me to settle or compromise to repel as oil does from water.

This is true of your heart too.  It’s true of your life.  The moment you voice He is your Savior, you are born with a silver spoon.  If you don’t believe or know this to be true, I pray He moves heaven and earth to open your heart to it and give you the grace and courage to embrace and live in it.

It Is Finished

There are some secrets...some moments in life we just don't talk about.  Often it's dark.  It's ugly.  Feels dirty.  It's painful and shameful.  Thinking about it takes us back there...the feelings come back...smells...sounds...visions.  A time warp sucking you back and delivering a down-to-your-knees sucker punch to the heart.  It's the kind of experience that makes people stop and stare.  Unsure what to say or how to respond.  Not the kind of thing you share with just anyone in passing or in every day conversation.  More than likely this secret has molded the individual despite her/his fight to rise above it.  Scarred us.  Causing one to build up towering walls of safety and protection...a fortress really with motes and crocodiles and a HUGE wrought iron draw bridge that we do not lower under any circumstance.  I have such a moment in my life.  I share it because it's imperative you know:  He redeems, heals, and reconditions such moments.  He gives freedom where there is chains.  Light where there is darkness.  Soothing comfort where there is heart shattering pain.  Love and grace where manipulation and guilt once reigned.  

I knew a man that offered the world.  He was in his own right Don Juan.  Smooth with words and naturally knew what I thought I wanted.  He bought flowers and balloons.  Pulled over the car when my favorite song played and invited me to dance in the rain.  He did everything I thought the man of my dreams should do.  The more I got to know him the more I stopped listening to my conscience and the more I allowed my heart to be swayed by his actions and words.  My conscience told me he wasn't for me.  There was a lot to him I didn't care for.  He was rude and disrespectful to people, his parents included.  We had little in common...BUT as he so convincingly said many times love can get you through anything.  He did everything I believed someone in love would do...and convinced myself I should give him a chance. About 4ish months later we were exclusively dating and he came to see me at college.  Over the past few months he had been pushing physical boundaries but respected my wishes to not go any further.  This particular time was an exception.  For the first time my resistance and asking him to slow down and back off had no power.  No didn't mean anything and he had his way with me despite my resistance and plea for him to stop.  His initial response when all was said and done was, "You know you could have me arrested.  I don't deserve you.  I'm taking you back to your dorm.  We can't be together."  He was always so good with manipulation and somehow taking blame yet making me feel sorry for him.  Never, I'm so sorry.  I was wrong.  He acted so angry with himself.  I was desperate to talk to him and reason through everything.  Before taking me back to school, I convinced him to go to a nearby park so we could talk.  We walked in the park and hashed things out.  I told him we didn't need to end our relationship.  When I said no I meant no...that I loved him and I would never turn him in.  What happened was ok and he needed to stop beating himself up about it.  Trouble is, from that point on, my no had no power.  No weight.  No substance.  Soon it happened again and again.  We stayed together...for a long time.  It wasn't until we separated and I wasn't living with him years later that I even remembered what had happened.  

In 2007 I was driving up to Traverse City MI to run in my first race.  I was alone in my car...driving through the Michigan country side along beautiful lakes when out of now where the memory of what had happened resurfaced.  As the cobwebs cleared and the dust settled I remembered.  My self enforced amnesia dissipated.  Suddenly it was as clear as day.  He raped me.  He raped me and I said it was ok.  I told him I loved him.  I didn't turn him in and I shouldered the responsibility.  I said no.  I told him no and he didn't care.  I was angry.  Angry for forcing myself to repress and forget it.  Angry at myself for more or less rolling over and not fighting for myself...for my heart...for respect.  Angry that no didn't mean no and I had convinced myself out of self preservation he loved me.  

Fast forward 5 years to Easter 2012.  I was on a road trip to Marion Indiana to visit a dear friend of mine.  As I drove the hundreds of miles from NC to IN He kept bringing up little moments from my past.  I was so frustrated with Him.  I had nowhere to get away from Him.  I was alone in the car and nothing but road ahead of me.  I asked why He kept bringing up the moments we had already dug up and worked through.  All I heard in response was a whisper...it is finished.  I did not understand.  He was persistent.  Memory after memory  of heart breaking moments came to mind and He reminded me how He had restored each one with truth and life.  Feelings resurfaced and His healing and redemption flowed behind each one.   It is finished...  What does that even mean?!  What is finished?!  After about 10 hours of driving I found myself back in Marion.  Marion is where my Mama and Papa met each other and got married.  Where I was born.  Where I went to college.  Where I was raped.  Marion is a place of life altering moments in my life.   It's where life began for me.  Where I became a nurse.  Where a part of me died one fateful evening.  

Easter is my favorite holiday.  It celebrates the most incredible sacrificial unconditional life giving love that ever existed.  It celebrates the moment He shouldered our darkness and sin and bridged the ridiculously vast canyon that separated us from Him.  Without His death there would not be life.  Without His sacrifice we would not have hope.  Every year Easter takes me back to the moment He conquered death and hell.  This Easter He led me back to the place I died and walked a fine line between heaven and hell.  Like a motion picture He began to replay the past 14 years of my life.  I saw our journey from the blackest darkness I've ever known to life giving heavenly light and beauty.  The reconditioning of memories.  The fight  to breakdown walls and build trust.  The restoration of life, healing of deep wounds, and the rehabilitation of lies into truth.  The slow hand in hand walk we traversed through every memory and moment that lead me to this road trip.

During my visit, He invited me to run in the park I had gone to after I was raped. I accepted his invitation and was ready to plow into the park strong and confident.  I wanted to show that park I wasn't the same woman that had been there 14 years prior saying I love you...I'm not going to report you...when I say no I mean no. I ran into the park on a mission.  He slowed me down, took the fire out of my determination and said walk with Me.  I fought His invitation to walk at first.  I had too much to prove.  I ran a few feet and He caught my eye with a beautiful tree that I just had to take a picture of with my phone.  I took a picture...then remembered my mission and started running again.  Then there was this cute bridge with a stream running under it I had to capture with a photo.  Moments later I remembered my mission and ran a couple steps only to stop, captivated by how the park had changed over the past 14 years.  I digressed, with a smile escaping my lips, took His hand and walked through the park slowly.  He captured my attention time and time again with the simple beauty of the park.  I was enamored.  The park had changed.  It wasn't what I remembered. 

The last time I had been at Matter Park it was dark and oppressive.  It was empty.  It was falling a part.  It was on the brink of death.  The community saw the potential the park had and believed in it.  Took the time and patience to restore it.  The areas dead grass and fields had once inhibited gave way to flower beds...a frisbee golf course...a huge new playground area... a gold fish pond...a windmill garden with statues of children.  It radiated life, hope, joy, painstaking sacrificial love, and stop you in your tracks beauty.  As I made my way around a pond with ducks frolicking and quacking I looked ahead and stopped.  My jaw dropped and tears brimmed in my eyes.  Across a little broken down bridge was a playground toy I played on as a child almost 30 years ago.  It was in amazing condition.  Tears fell.  I was astonished.  In that moment He brought me back to my innocence...my beauty...my pure heart.  He brought me face to face with the little girl I once knew with dreams and hopes.  The Anna that was untouched, no wounds, no lies...just life and joy.  He whispered, this is the truth of who you are Anna. This is who you are to me.  This is who you've always been.  I brought you here because you're ready to receive this truth.  This park is a reflection of you and your life. You were here as a little girl first.  Full of life, innocence, beauty, hope...it was stolen.  You were scarred and life became dark and empty as death tried to settle in.  I always believed in you.  I never left you.  As you sought me out, you allowed Me to dig up the lies and pain and replace them with seeds that blossomed into flowers and trees.   You endured tremendous pain as I uprooted everything that tied you down and suffocated you, as you relied on my peace and promises to sustain you.   Your trust in Me and desire for life released My power and ability to do all that was necessary to restore you.  And now look at you.  The darkness is gone.  The lies and wounds have lost their power and sting.  I'm reuniting you with truth-the innocence, hope and beauty of your youth.  You've been transformed...resurrected.  You were dead.  Now you are alive.  What happened, your past, no longer has power over you.  It is finished.  You are free.  No more looking back.  It is finished.  Death has lost it's sting.  The foundation has been laid, there's no where to go but up.  It's time to play...

Praying you trust Him to restore and heal you.  Praying He reconditions the moments and memories that keep you captive and hurting.  Asking Him to flood you with His light, love, peace, and beauty...that He helps you breathe and brings you to life.  Love like Shadrach's blazing furnace...Anna

  

 

 

 

 

 

Ten Thousand reasons

Ten thousand reasons.  If my calculations are correct, ten thousand reasons=a reason every day for a little over 27 years.  How amazing is that...if all goes well I have the chance to experience, find, see, and know a reason to love and worship Him for more than ten thousand reasons.  That's insane.  Twenty thousand reasons would take me to a delightful age of approximately 89.  If I take out numbers and math I can factually say-for the rest of my life, every day, my heart will thank, adore, worship and bless Him.  Till my sight fades.  My heart stops.  My breath stills.  I will bless and love my Lord.  I will seek, find, and share a reason.  A reason that implores me to thank, love and praise Him.

"Bless the Lord oh my soul.  Oh oh oh my soul.  Worship His holy name.  Sing like never before, oh my soul.  I worship you holy name.  The sun comes up it's a new day dawning.  It's time to sing your song again.  Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me.  Let me be singing when the evening comes.  Bless the Lord oh my soul.  Oh oh oh my soul.  Worship His holy name.  Sing like never before.  Oh my soul.  I worship your holy name.  You're rich in love and you're slow to anger.  Your name is great and your heart is kind.  For all your goodness I will keep on singing TEN THOUSAND REASONS for my heart to find.  So, bless the Lord oh my soul.  oh oh oh my soul.  Worship His holy name.  Sing like never before, Oh my soul.  I worship your holy name.  And on that day when my strength is failing.  The end draws near and my time has come.  Still my soul will sing your praise unending.  Ten thousand years and forever more.  Bless the Lord oh my soul.  Oh oh oh my soul.  Sing like never before, oh my soul.  I worship your holy name.  Yes I will worship your holy name.  Jesus, I will worship your holy name."-Matt Redman

Embracing Beauty

Awhile back I was dropping off M.P., my brother's wife, at her house.   On the 15 minute drive there we got into a heart related conversation, as we always do, and as I pulled into her drive way she looked at me and said..."You're smoking hot beautiful Anna. You need to stop hiding behind your sweats." My reaction was...jaw dropping silence for a couple minutes, tears streaming down my face and when I finally gained my composure all I could say was, "you're right. I do hide behind my sweats."

For so long I believed you had to be a certain size or weight to be beautiful. That comes from two areas. One of wounding and the other present day society. I know I've mentioned it before but to some degree for as long as I can remember I've had some issue with myself and beauty. It's not nearly the canyon of misconceptions it used to be. It's more like a crooked uneven sidewalk that trips me up now and then when I'm skipping or running distracted by the butterflies and pretty flowers He showers me with along the way.

Earlier today I was taking a bubble bath. I love bubble baths. They are hypnotic, relaxing, warm...I just melt into the tub and get lulled into a trance as I gaze at the flickering flames of the candles........  Anyway. Where was I...right I was relaxing in my glorious tub of bubbles, reading a book, and out of nowhere a comment my papa made to me a few years ago came to mind.  The comment was spoken to me during my separation, after I had moved back in with him(my parents)...I had stepped out of my bedroom and he looked at me and said you are so beautiful. Which caught me of guard because it seemed so random. He went on to say...you know Anna, when you were younger I wanted to ask you why you never did your hair, or makeup, or got dressed up.  I never understood why.  Now...to some this may seem like nothing.  I was in the midst of a devastating heart crushing separation/divorce.  I didn't recognize anything in my life except a few things...My name was Anna.  I was a nurse.  I had a family.  Those were the only recognizable things in my 30 years of existence.  Everything else was gone.  I had just started getting back my appetite and remembering I needed to eat.  I had nothing to really even pick up and try to put back together.  My heart felt like ground zero from a nuclear weapon bombing.  The only thing that remained was a shadow that something had once existed, everything else completely disinergrated.  Papa's words at the time felt like arrows directed at my already deeply wounded heart...his honesty and love filled comment got twisted and all I heard was...Anna you need to wear make up, dress up, and do your hair to be beautiful.  I know my Papa.  I know his heart and love for me.  I now know that is not what he said and intended.  This is how the enemy hits us when we're down...twisting words and their meanings.  Anything to try to estrange us from those that love us.  Anything to hurt us and try to isolate us so he has a better chance to keep us under his thumb.

Five years later...yes it has taken me five years...I am securely and confidently settled in my beauty.  He unraveled the lies that tried to stuff me into a barbie sillhoutte of what beautiful looks like.  He shattered the distorted images I saw when I looked in the mirror.  He helped me understand what being a woman in His image meant.  Opened my eyes to my true physical and spiritual beauty.  It's His x factor in me.  That thing that people can't quite put their finger on that makes me different.  The thing that draws people in...  Like ball of string to a kitten.  The melodic hypnotizing songs of an ice cream truck.  He draws people in.  It's peace.  Honesty.  Love.  Strength.  Discernment.  Wisdom.  A child like faith and heart.  Its how I see and know Him.  Allowing people to breathe and be themselves.  "You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.  This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful."  1 Peter 3:4-5.

Being raised in the church all my life I've heard lesson after lesson about being humble, meek, submissive.  That beauty is the heart and not what you look like.  Society says flaunt what God gave you.  Buy this perfume.  These jeans.  This brand and you will appear beautiful.  What I've found is...there is balance.  Love being who you are.  Be healthy.  Take care of yourself.  Wear something that make you feel feminine.  Being a woman is a gift.  Don't put it all out there...it's not for every man to see.  But don't hide behind sweats either.  Humility and meekness doesn't mean being unkempt and not valued.  You are a priceless beauty.  You have an x factor that He wants to unveil.  Allow Him to unveil your beauty...the world will never be the same.

The Mark

Man walked on the moon. Columbus sailed the ocean blue. Lewis and Clark forged the uncharted american frontier. These facts we all know well. Not because we personally experienced it. Few experienced it first hand. It's through their stories we were taught to dream and follow our hearts. To believe and act. It's through stories like these, like Hosea in the Bible, like yours and mine...we are reminded to trust and persevere.  To dig down deep into what we hope we are made of and experience it by choosing to live it out. Taking a step of faith into what seems uncertain but resonates to the core of our soul.

I heard a sermon recently on renovation of the heart. Pastor Jonathan Robbins explained that had the space shuttle been off it's mark even a hundredth of a degree, Armstrong would have missed HIS mark/destination/dream. The shuttle would have bypassed the moon. Because over time, that seemingly minute miscalculation would have multiplied to thousands of miles. It would be safe to say the same would apply to Columbus and Lewis and Clark. One small adjustment and the history of America would be drastically changed.

Affair-a romantic or passionate attachment typically of limited duration(Merriam Webster). Affairs of the heart can be obvious or subtle. In a relationship it often occurs when one goes outside the realm of the relationship and invites someone or something else in. Whether it be conversation, time spent, romance, comfort foods, movies, wine...when one goes to someone or something other than who they are committed to it is an affair. Affairs are substitutes, generic forms of what we truly want or desire. Temptations that entice and enchant only leading to distraction and disillusionment. Veering us subtly off the course He has mapped out for us. When a choice doesn't align completely with our heart, we settle for something just short of perfect.  Compromising and tainting the very passion and desire He gave us. Our decisions/choices reflect the state of our hearts.  We are the Armstrong and Lewis and Clark of our lives.  Our lives, the truth we know, is based on our own personal experience and knowledge of Him. Truth we find and have felt through grief, pain, confusion, revelation, and beauty. Truth we have fought for and clung to.  When we decide to opt for almost perfect, whether it be due to impatience or selfishness or loneliness, it sets our compass a hundredth of a degree south from where He is leading us. Multiply that small change in trajectory x days/weeks/months/years and you've got a heart nearly off the grid of her/his original redeeming beautiful life giving journey.

He whispered to me recently I had taken on the role of Gomer, again. That's not a good thing. Gomer was a prostitute. And while I wasn't physically a prostitute, emotionally and spiritually I was. I don't know if you've ever read the book of Hosea. It's a beautiful humbling metaphor of His love, commitment, and desire for us. One of the most humbling moments I've experienced was the first time He made me very aware of how I was just as much like Gomer as I was like Hosea. I was driving to work, literally talking out loud to Him. "Why can't he see all I want is his time. Why can't he see all I want is to be loved. Why can't he see I'd do anything for him, he just has to choose me. I just want to be with him, in his presence." He broke in and whispered, "Anna, why can't you see that's all I want from you." I was speechless. My life had been one affair after another choosing someone or something over Him. Yet He still wanted me.  He was offering to take me by the hand, pull me up from the ravine I had driven myself into, and realign me with His course for my life.

Decisions. Ignite us. Unite us. Grow us. Hinder us. Hurt us. Strengthen or weaken us. Over time they reel us in closer to Him or create a great expanse between us and Him. An expanse that lulls us into mediocracy. Instead of landing on the moon we fly by it. Instead of discovering a new world we float aimlessly on the sea subject to extremes of sun, storms, lack of wind, clouds that hide the stars. Instead of forging and mapping out an undiscovered paradise we stumble and fall into ravines and ditches cutting and scarring ourselves as we try to climb out.  He's decided on us. His choice is me. His choice is you. The off road excursions we find ourselves on are extremely bumpy and a bit disorienting but...He's our compass and we're re-creating and adjusting our map as we go.

I'm heading towards my mark...it'll be better than the moon, a new world, and discovering/forging an unknown land...it'll be all that and then some. Trusting in Him. Relying on Him. Knowing no matter what I choose or decide, because I'm His and I seek Him I know, no matter how many times I go off the road, He'll bring me back and realign me with our mark. It's an amazing truth to know, feel and experience.

Blackout Shades

When I worked night shift I was quickly introduced to an ingenious creation. Blackout shades. Even the faintest ray of light to most night shift people is a lot like a pea under the mattress of a princess. The result is interrupted sleep, tossing and turning. But blackout shades...man they allowed me to stay asleep. I found even the brightest most intense rays of summer sun could not penetrate those God given pieces of cloth. With my blackout shades I was completely oblivious to the life and activity going on around me as I slumbered.

I remember sitting on the floor in my room as a kid, praying. Asking God to speak to me. I wanted desperately to hear His voice and be in His will. All I ever heard was silence. While I was discouraged and disappointed I knew it was possible. I knew if I believed I would eventually hear Him. Why I believed I don't know, other than it was this knowing I felt in the depths of my heart. I knew He was there. I knew there was nothing I couldn't handle because He was there. I knew in time I would hear Him.

There was a man named Saul. Acts chapter 9 speaks of his "conversion". It's an amazing story of a man who believed he was living out his purpose and was stopped in his tracks by God. Suddenly redirected. The purpose of his misguided passion and tenacity literally diverted and reversed in direction. It's so beautiful. I think I find it so breathtaking because I have experienced and know his story very personally. The specifics of our lives aren't the same but our conversion is.

Like Saul I have had a person like Ananias in my life. March 2007 was my road to Damascus. I was talking to a dear friend of mine about the happenings in my life. The darkness. The fight. The hope and faith that just WOULD not let me quit or surrender. The constant fellowship while I ran and sat in silence. How I couldn't explain why I did what I did or said what I said...I just knew it's what I needed to do or say. I felt it. To go against it would be to go against the grain of my heart. Levi was my Ananias at this time. He spoke, and the words he said caused the blackout shades that had been blocking light to my heart to fall. It was at this time I realized I not only had blackout shades to help me sleep, I had proverbial blackout shades covering my heart and eyes. He prayed and I began to see. Suddenly colors were vibrant and clear. I was aware of everything around me. So much life. So much oppression. For the first time I started seeing people and the state of their heart. I started seeing the truth of me and my heart. It's not easy to realize decisions you had made were because of a twisted lie. All my life I had let others define me. March 2007...was the first day I stopped looking to others and set my gaze on Him knowing I do hear Him.

One thing I love about Him is He doesn't stop. He continues to remove the multi layered blackout shade I have. As each layer falls, He takes me to a higher deeper level of healing, redemption, and love. I am blessed to have people in my life that know and see me. People I've known for years and people I've just met. They honestly share what they see and hear. It's uncomfortable. It's not easy. He protects me from being hurt by the truth and gives me the strength to take it in and face it. As uncomfortable as it is, I love it. As He pierces through the shadowed and darkened areas of my heart through people, His word, songs...He is answering my prayer. "Remove from me, show me, point out to me ANYTHING that is keeping me from you." Most recently I've realized...it's good to make decisions. For awhile I have entertained a very subtle fear that I shouldn't make decisions. I will fail if I do. I will make a mistake. I can't make a wise decision. It's bull shit. A layer that is falling because someone called me out on it.

We all have proverbial blackout shades. It's my prayer that if you haven't had a "road to Damascus" experience it happens very soon for you. If you have experienced His breathtaking life changing piercing light then you don't settle and know it's a continual journey. It doesn't stop on the road...it's a way of life. May you bathe in His life giving light, truth, grace and love.


p.s. First big decision...I'm registered in my first half marathon April 22nd. Ahhh...so exciting.