It's time

As a nurse I feel extremely blessed. I get to do what I love. I interact with people every day. I see them often when they are not at their best and strongest. When they are vulnerable, stressed, embarrassed, and weak. I love going into a room and engaging the people in the room. I love to love them...through laughter, allow them to cry, reassure and calm them. On the flip side I get to enjoy working with others from all walks of life. A variety of great proportion. That is why it works. We all have unique gifts and strengths. Where one is weak another is strong. The laughter. The frustrations. The satisfaction. The tears. We see each other at our worse and best.

I have recently felt convicted of the cynical attitude I have adopted. I am not a cynical person. It's not who I am. I'm ashamed of the attitude I've had towards patients and others. And while my thoughts and feelings may be valid it's not who I am.

Grace. "A temporary exemption. The quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful."(Merriam Webster Dictionary) Grace is something that asks us to put aside our feelings and emotions a comment, action, or person makes us feel. It calls us to a higher standard of love. Asks us to take a step back and look at the whole picture and see beyond how it effects us. Put aside the valid right to be angry or frustrated and give a do over to someone. It allows us to see the person as human, just like us. Not perfect. Searching. Sometimes for an easy way to just relieve the pain because they're so tired of feeling it. There are people that use and abuse us and don't deserve a second chance. There are people that were taught to just go for the easy fix and don't know any better. There are people that know better but have no hope or no support. Grace covers it all. Grace brings us back to the heart of the matter.

I am tired of the bandaids and quick fixes. I am sick and tired of being cynical and angry at people that come into the ED. I'm tired of acting out of the cynicism. It wears me down. It makes me angry. It's not who I am. I'm writing this as a plea. To those who are tired of enabling people. Tired of putting bandaids on gapping wounds that require tough love. It's time to get our heads together and make something happen. Make people responsible for their health and life. Educate them on what they have available and what they can do to help themselves. It's time for grace and tough love...for patients, families, co workers, everyone. It's time to make a change. Time to change lives and hearts. It's time. I'm done playing. I'm done sitting and just letting things continue. Time to fight. The gloves are on.

Exhausted and Restored

The emergency department seems to have seasons. Kind of like life. There are times nothing can touch you no matter what patient or family comes in the team you are working with is just on it. And while being "on it" there is joy and laughter. Days with medical miracles-people that against all odds survive the impossible. Not only survive but forever change and impact your life. There is a time of steadiness-broken bones, sprains, falls, colds, toothaches and boils. A time of migraines, abdominal pain, asthma attacks, and blood clots. A time of seizures, new diagnoses of cancer, strokes, and heart attacks. A time of code after code after code and then quiet and then stroke and seizure and head bleed. There is a season of dead calm and silence. When the ED is like a ghost town. It's a bit eerie really. Instead of complete rest and peace often what is felt is anticipation and angst. Waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. For the word quiet to be said. For the whole department to be engulfed in the dark bleak insanity and craziness we've experienced before and care to never know again. Life has been a lot like the ED for me. Seasons of rolling with the punches. Mundane day to day activities. The dark sickening blow of heart break or a loved one hurting. Times of celebration, joy and heart stopping beauty.

This week I have experienced a smattering of it all...beauty and joy of friendship. A patient with stroke symptoms then had a seizure and then coded(needed CPR) and didn't survive after pouring all we had into him. There were a few boils and toothaches, respiratory failure, GI bleed, chest pain after chest pain after chest pain that was actually anxiety, pneumonia, indigestion...the manipulative suicide patient that brought back memories of my ex and that's just getting started. It's been a week. That's not including EVERYTHING else that is filtering through my mind and heart and all the interactions with the families of the patients I cared for.

Exhausted. That's me in a nut shell right now. Worn down. I couldn't interact with anything so I turned it all off and went into task mode. Do do do and just keep plugging away. Don't feel or think because that will just take everything to a whole new level of difficulty.

I woke up this morning feeling groggy and just kinda blah. As I woke up slowly in bed just lying around dosing on and off I was reminded to be careful with how I woke up. In other words be aware of my thoughts. Take a step back and be still. All I could feel was nothing. I shut down for three days and it was time to open back up. It's not an easy feat. It's like a huge steam locomotive that had been gaining momentum over the past three days trying to stop on a dime. Hot steam billowing ...groaning and screeching of brakes locking...jolting and jerking...and then all is still.

Through the steam and jolting and screeching He whispered to me. Hope. Restored. I got out of the shower to find a letter pushed under my door. "I think today is about hope." As I read these words, the tears I had been holding back for the past three days broke loose. "Without hope we despair. I think God wants us to dream, to hope, and to trust." Little did Bethany know that as I was halting my locomotive the very thing I was interacting with was protecting myself from hope. Because as I said before hope is not for the faint of heart. And today my heart felt pretty wimpy and the first thing I wanted to do was protect it. Which meant maybe a little hope but not reckless abandonment to hope. I read over the letter a few times and as tears streamed down my face the experiences, words, actions, thoughts of the past three days flowed away with them. I realized for the past three days hovering just under the chaos was an undertone of eerie stillness that had caused me to start taking back my heart. As I shut down I shut Him out. I started to doubt. I started to think about that blasted proverbial shoe. I started to lose sight of hope. When all that is going on around me tempts me to hold back, self protect, and shut down He reminds me to hope. I will fight the fear of hurt and disappointment. I will trust in His heart. I will hope...with His help.

Restored. "You have been transformed, and you are being transformed. You've been given a new heart. Now God is restoring your glory. He is bringing you fully alive. Because the glory of God is you fully alive."(Waking the Dead) This is His promise to me. When I go into self protection mode. Refusing to feel and just act. He will restore me. He will bring me back to center. He will restore stillness and peace. If I let Him. Restored is what I'll be when all is said and done. Restoration is the process of life with Him. Restore-bring back, reinstate. Today is a day of hope and restoration. It's a beautiful thing.

Hope...not for the faint of heart.

Hope.

To cherish a desire with anticipation.

To expect with confidence. Trust.

To desire with expectation of obtainment. -merriam-webster dictionary


Like most 4 letter words hope demands attention and stirs emotion. Kinda like Anna.

A few years ago I tattooed hope on my finger. For me it was a vow, to Him. A promise to never loose heart in His story. Not just His story for me but for everyone. It was hope that sustained me through hell. Hope that He was enough and with Him I could withstand anything. Hope that at some point in time I would have the strength to risk and love again. Hope that He would redeem my heart...all of my heart. Leaving nothing, absolutely nothing untouched by Him. Hope for life. Life like I've never known it before...to be alive in life. There is a difference. Everything that is breathing has life but not everything breathing is truly alive. Hope that He would unveil to me the strength, beauty, passion, and love I possess.

Hope.

I didn't realize how truly challenging it is until recently.

It is a very difficult thing to hope with reckless abandonment in all He is capable of. Hope living in today. In the unknown where nothing is certain except Him and anything and everything is possible because of Him.

He's teaching me this very obscure equation of hope + letting go + trusting=His story. Now that makes it sound pretty easy but you have to do a bit more algebra and multiply f which is feelings and divide by e which is emotion. So it's kinda like (hope+ letting go+ trusting) x f/e=His story. I'm gonna stop there for now. I think I may have lost some of you at letting go. And yes emotion and feelings are two different things. Letting go=letting go of my idea of what I think is His best for me. Trusting that He, the creator of passion, love, and me has it all and hasn't missed or skipped a step...even in the midst of me trying to fit Him and my life in this pretty little pink box that is just a bit too small to fit this large red heart shaped life of mine in.

Truth is you can not hope and hold back your heart to keep it safe. That's where He steps in. I keep my heart open. He guards it...like (secret service+ fort knox+ navy seals)x infinity=Anna's heart in His hands.

Alaska taught me that on my most imaginative creative day where I dreamed up the absolute best story for me EVER...it still pales in comparison to His story for me. Hope tells me that in the midst of all emotion and feelings...in the midst of fighting control to shut down and protect my heart and keep it open...in the midst of the whispers luring me to settle and trying to convince me He will fail me and I want too much...His story is not only true but it's beyond my comprehension. So you see...

I
WILL
ALWAYS
HOPE.

"I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your heart as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down deep into God's love and keep you strong. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." Paul/God-Ephesians 3:16,17 and 20. I pray that God, the source of hope will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

An unexpected detour...

In the first chapter of Job, there is a brief dialogue between God and satan. Which now thinking about it really intrigues me. God asks Satan what he's been up to. Satan responds that he's more or less been hanging out watching everything that's going on. God asks him..."Have you noticed my servant Job?" Out of everyone on earth He mentions this one man...He not only asks Satan if he noticed him, he goes on to brag about him like a proud parent would of their child. God called Job the finest man in all the earth, blameless, and of complete integrity. I can't even imagine what Job must have been like. God knew Job's heart. Satan doubted it...and was allowed to test him.

Now to compare my life to Job's almost seems blasphemous. That's just the honest truth...that man endured things I can't even fathom. His integrity and heart must have been great for the lengths satan was permitted to go to. 1 Corinthians 10:12 and 13 state..."If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted He will show you a way out so that you can endure." Temptations, decisions, circumstances, consequences, unexpected experiences and situations happen. They test us. Challenge us. We have the opportunity to let them break us or strengthen and deepen us. God knows our hearts. Satan knows them too. We are not blameless. We are not sinless. We were made in His image. We did fall and satan did have a really good stand back in Eden. But it doesn't stop there. We all experience times in our lives like Job and Eve. We get tested because of our hearts...and because the last thing satan wants us to do is believe in God's love...His promises... If he can tempt us to doubt the heart of God then he can keep us in a life of compromise and settling, dulled color, and dimmed beauty.

A couple entries ago I very confidently pronounced I was dating someone. As I type that sentence out I can't help but smile and chuckle simply because I'm not now. Before you jump to any conclusions...ANY of them...STOP. I don't need to hear told you so. Or I'm going to kill him. Or poor Anna that's awful. I don't need it and to do so would be pointless because it's HIM. It's how He does. How He rolls. How He rep-re-sents(insert fist pound to the chest with gangsta look on my face here). It's a bit humbling to let you all in on that. But to not be honest about that would cause me to not be honest with what is going on with my heart.

To embrace something with reckless abandonment is something I have spoken of and at times in my life have had the privilege of experiencing. For me to do it for love. For a man. IS. HUGE. To trust what my heart knows to be true but can't quite prove or explain with facts and fully with scripture was a monumental step for me. To embrace the leading of the Spirit when there is risk and a great possibility it could change takes a set... You know what I'm saying. It's easy to embrace and announce something that is safe and controlled.

The beautiful thing about my friend...is how God has/is used/using him in my life. We may not be dating. But what I have experienced the last nine weeks or so has helped me understand the passage that says "perfect love drives out fear." When we first started talking he challenged me to embrace my heart. I was all caution. I think we should just talk. Then it was I think we might be talking to much. All the while he patiently encouraged me to let go...embrace what I saw and felt and trust. God isn't someone who tricks or teases us he said. To drop everything and just go somewhere wouldn't be too hard for me if He asked me to. I don't necessarily need to have a job lined up or everything in order...I just have to be told to go. Love was a completely different animal. Love was very personal and deeply wounded. When he called me out on living in fear and caution I saw it. I realized he was right. I wasn't fully trusting Him or my heart. So I let go. I allowed myself to let someone in and even fall in love. It is the biggest risk I have taken thus far.

For me, right now in this present moment, my testing is a result of choices I made years and years ago. Even before I was married. I am not blameless like Job. God holds out both of His hands and asks me to choose. Funny thing about Him is there is no second guessing what's in each hand...He's not hiding anything. His hands are outstretched, palm side up and the choices are clear. Choose me or don't. Experience the truth of who you are as a woman...your strength, your resolve, your beauty, your faith, hope, and the truth of your love. Or don't and move backwards, embracing that lost little girl you were a few years back. I could choose to continue on the path I had before, falling back into old habits. Embracing self preservation. Cowering back when fear started pressing in. Or I could trust Him and His promise that it's different this time. Trust that His promise, who I am in Him is more than enough and I am not my past failures, shame, wounds...is actually true. He gave me the strength and courage to acknowledge the needs and desires of my heart. Give them a voice not knowing how they would be reacted to. Each time some fear or wound from my past resurfaced and I interacted with it and shared it with him(my friend) he patiently and discerningly held it. He(my friend) interacted with it. As he interacted with me through all of it...God redeemed these painful dark areas. The most recent was with our last conversation. The one we decided to completely take a step back...all the way to square one. Friends. It wasn't an immediate decision. It was something we had to talk about a few times to get on the same page. Fear immediately swept in. The fear of this is happening because I'm some twisted combination of not enough or too much. The fear of him finding someone else and there being a connection. The fear of my heart being wrong. The fear of feeling like I was sharing him and competing with someone else for his heart. That last one was the most painful. It took me straight back to being married and competing with my husband's lover for his heart and attention. That one made me sick to my stomach and took my breath away. We talked about all of them which was NOT easy. The ugly of my past was showing out...and he didn't shake. He(my friend) stayed constant.

My friend...is true. No false pretensions. No guessing or games. His honesty, trust in my heart, and strength leave me breathless. I trust him. He's like no man I've met. Through him God is redeeming men...what I've known, felt and experienced. Once again. God continues to leave nothing untouched. He continues to take me into my fall from Eden. Giving me opportunity to stand on who I truly am. Feel the weight of who I am. Feel and experience my heart. Embrace it. Be honest with it. Stand up for it. Redeem it by choosing it and facing fears and not building up walls. Recognize what was vs what is and overcome it with who I am. To see and feel my old self slough off, giving way to beauty, truth and strength. It's incredible.

I know how He works, moves and speaks in my heart. I am not always perfect in the translation but I am very fluent and pretty spot on with deciphering the message. I know He will not allow just any man to step into my life and know, experience, and handle the areas of my heart that need redemption, healing and restoration. He's not like that. He's laying a foundation. One that is imperative to build a relationship that lives and breathes Him. That's what I base my faith and confidence on. The dirty work. The honesty and hard conversations. The decisions that cut and sting. They are what leave us bare. In a beautiful vulnerable nakedness where there are no masks, multiple identities, no walls. This detour has reminded me that my desire is to live naked and unashamed. Like Eve before the fall. How insanely ridiculous that will be. I am thanking Him for His unexpected detours...they make life spontaneous. I am all caught up in His wild uninhibited love and pursuit of my heart.



"Yet God has made everything beautiful in His time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

A toast to love...

Love...

It's been a constant in my life for as long as I can remember. I know and have experienced many forms of love. Some healthy and pure others dark and twisted. All in all I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on the concept of love. I know I sound a bit confident and sure of myself...but I just get it. In a lot of ways it's like breathing for me.

Through my journey of truth, redemption, and healing my understanding and experience of love has been taken to a level I didn't know possible. 10 years ago if you had asked anyone that knew me what do you know or think about Anna. The first words out of their mouth would have more than likely been...she loves well. It's amazing how someone can love and not be alive. I don't know why people thought that about me. I did not really feel loving. I felt lost. I felt dark. I felt stuck. I felt barely alive. Yet somehow He loved people through me.

One of the first things I learned about love after I was separated and well on my way to divorce is it's tough. It's not always mushy and gooey. Sometimes it stings with honesty. Sometimes it's gritty like sandpaper. Just because it doesn't feel good doesn't mean it's not love. That's what is so amazing about it. It seems every feeling you could possibly experience can be experienced with love. When is anger ever warm and fuzzy...or ooey gooey?

My brother Philip and now sister M.P. got married not quite two weeks ago. It was possibly the most personal intentional wedding I've ever experienced. Philip met M.P. up the aisle as she walked towards him. As he walked towards her he was snapping his own pictures of her, and her alone. M.P. walking towards him as he saw her. I can honestly say I've never witnessed that in my life(it was my favorite moment of their day). If you've read any of my blogs before you'll know there was a time their relationship challenged me to a degree of incredible discomfort. They challenged and stretched me possibly more than anyone has. They were a big catalyst and key to where I am now...in my own relationship. There are so many different opinions and ideas related to their relationship you'd be amazed. In fact the push and pull they received...the thoughts and opinions...the prayers...the pleas...the concerns...the judgement...and the little bit of encouragement and support they received would have sent most relationships to the grave. They aren't perfect. None of us are. They had the strength to listen to my concerns, doubts, and convictions about their relationship...all with the footnote of just so you two know I think this is more for me than you. We all make up the body of Christ...but there is only One judge and jury. The absolute truth I know about Philip and M.P...other than they love each other in a uniquely refreshing and beautiful way is...they love and seek God. When you ask for His will...when you pray and ask for things it happens...and they did this. I know they did.

M.P. called me a few months ago and said(I'm paraphrasing of course)...Anna you've been there from day one. You've been through the good and the bad. You've shared your heart and didn't hold back. I would like you to be a bridesmaid...my response was...of course I will. Philip and M.P. deepened my experience and understanding of love. This is what they taught me...(the toast I wrote to them and spoke to them at their reception)

To say I love Philip and M.P. is an understatement.

I've known Philip all his life. I've witnessed temper tantrums that would make the tazmanian devil blush and I've seen him love with an intensity and unconditional grace that would melt the coldest heart of stone. I've known M.P. for what seems like a lifetime. I've witnessed crazed ranting and ravings that would put any liberal lobbyist to shame and a breathtaking beauty and tender love that would soften and soothe the most calloused and wounded heart.

You bring the two of them together and you've got strength, beauty, grace, love, passion, fight...with hearts hot after God and a thirst to seek, serve and save the lost. I'm not surprised your union has been in the crosshairs from the start. I believe marriage is a journey back to Eden, before the fall...when man and woman walked in the cool of the day with God...bliss. The journey to Eden is beautiful, often bittersweet and at times leaves us perplexed...feeling raw, vulnerable, breathless, and honestly completely undone.

I have had the honor of seeing you two figure this all out. You've challenged me in ways that made me uncomfortable. Made me question what I knew of relationship and being Spirit led. You reminded me that His Spirit often leads us in a way that doesn't make sense. When He speaks it's just like He heals, loves, and redeems-it's uniquely personal and intimately intentional. When we ask Him to be in everything, that His will be done...He often takes us to the places that aren't easy or comfortable and it's through this redeeming fire that He heals and purifies us.

IF...if we choose as Philip and M.P. have to face fears, misconceptions, doubts, and wounds head on by seeking God in everything-in every success, mistake, moment, and thought. THEN we will understand and know what it feels like to be alive...to be immersed in God's unconditional grace and love and to be caught up in such beauty that words escape us.

Through you two I am humbled with a new understanding of relationship and love. It's gritty. It's Fierce. It's unoffendable. It's not always like rubber, sometimes it's like steel and it shakes everything around it when it hits the ground. It's cautiously open, taking every spoken challenge, question, and doubt to Him. For ultimately it is His truth and wisdom that holds any weight. It's passionate and recklessly beautiful...and it never stops fighting for what is known yet can't be explained. Thank you for taking all of my advice, doubts, and challenges with a grain of salt and running to Him with it...I know it was often honestly biased. May God and all the heavenly beings rejoice and celebrate today and every day of your lives together...may His grace, love, and beauty flood and sustain you in the times of grit and redemption. I love you both deeply and unconditionally...

My journey back to Eden...

I am overwhelmed...

By beauty. The battle. The ache. The stretching. The restoration. Love. Grace. Courage. Strength. Life. Relationship.

I've said it before and I'm saying it again. I don't know how He puts up with me. He listens to me...to the movement and desires of my heart. He gives me exactly what I ask for. Exactly and then some. It's pretty incredible. For the first time in my life I can honestly and wholeheartedly say I am in love... I am all caught up in love. A love that adores, pursues, treasures, and fights. A love that challenges, stretches, redeems, and demands patience and grace. It's beautiful, unnerving, reckless, ground shaking, steadfast. It fights for my heart in ways no one has before. Fights for my relationship with Him...that it is first and foremost. I've never experienced a romantic love that lets you breathe. A romantic love that soothes, calms, restores, and revitalizes. A romantic love that is gritty, has substance and weight to it, and sometimes stings. The kind of love that gives abundantly and (as my sister M.P. would say) gratuitously-which is graciously to the nth degree. And then challenges me to give when it can't...to know and experience the kind of unconditional love that gives patiently and graciously. The kind I avoided and shut myself off to. The kind of love that is no holds bar honest with a humbling vulnerability. The kind that says...this is what I want...but I'll wait because there will be absolutely no compromise and no settling when it comes to your heart.

I have had mixed responses. My response has been a little bit of caution. Some reservation. Holding my breath because it seems too perfect. Embracing. Trusting. Grumbling. Stomping my feet. Crossing my arms. Holding my breath because I want it all now. I pout and throw tantrums because it's uncomfortable. I don't want to be patient. It's raw. I feel stripped and naked. I ache and feel stretched...the way I swear taffy would feel if it could feel anything when it's in the taffy puller machine.

He lays before me my deepest desires and longings. Beside that He places the truth I know and the lies I knew. He doesn't stop there...last but by no means least-He gently and very precisely places the ugly dirty dark places in my heart that have yet to be addressed, smack dab in the middle. It makes me angry. I dislike feeling angry. I want it to be separate. A category for each...no meshing of any kind...I don't want what I've dreamed of...known and desired to be true to be tainted by what I've experienced and still need to face. To have all of my heart sided by side, touching and mingling together is like going to the beach at night and drinking a coffee protein shake, eating chocolate covered strawberries with liver and onions...you just don't do it. My ugly and dirty is=memories. Things I haven't thought of since they happened. The feelings these memories usher in are so overpowering and surprisingly so fresh and real...its a bit disorienting. It's habits and lies I've just settled in to living through. It's the truth of my selfish entitled heart. When my ugly collides with my lovely(=the Truth, beauty, love, and deep promised desires I live in, fight for, and seek relentlessly) the reaction is like a high school chemistry experiment gone bad...volatile, deafening, and pungent.

When He sits me down and puts me face to face with my ugly and lovely, I feel like I'm caught in a set of ocean waves. At first it's no big deal. I take a deep breath and fill my lungs with air and duck under the water to miss the wave. I think this is no problem...it's just a wave. Then I get caught up in the rolling water. Entangled in it's movement and power-unabe to sense up or down...my brain reminds me I can't breathe under water...my chest starts to burn, my lungs feel like they're going to bust, and I start clawing through the water fighting for a sense of direction. Panic sets in a bit. Then just when I can not fight any longer...when the air starts to slowly escape through my lips...I see a glimmer of light. There is a brief reprieve from the summersaulting water and I am again oriented. Arms start frantically pushing me to the light and as I reach the surface...I gasp for air. Muscles spent from the fight. Lungs on fire. Eyes blurred and stinging. As I take my second breath...CRASH...another wave. It's pretty wicked and completely exhausting physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

That guy I mentioned before. You know the one that made me feel like a high school girl with a crush. We're talking. Dating actually. Which took me almost 2 months to wrap my head around and admit to. Some of you are cheering and are jumping for joy right now. Others probably feel a bit indifferent about it, maybe thinking so what...what's the big deal. Yet others are not too thrilled. Concerned about timing. About life situations and being wise, patient, and cautious. Everyone has there own interpretation of dating. What it means. What it looks like. From my past experience of dating, what I know, the examples I've seen people living out, the drama and heartache of it all. I didn't want to have anything to do with it. It seemed like no good came from dating. In fact I swore I wouldn't just date to get to know someone. If I dated it would be more like courting. It would be someone I knew and trusted and it would be with the understanding that lifelong commitment was the goal. It wasn't to just hang out...make out...go out. It was to be a apart of His story. Bring Him glory. Bring life and open the hearts of His beloved to life and truth. Dating is a commitment, not just to each other but to His story. It is not settling and it is holding each other accountable to His standards...keeping each other strong. God knows, and my past shows, I haven't been strong enough alone. And if my man makes me weaker instead of stronger...well then he's not my man. No compromise...I can't regress and turn my back on who I am and where I came from. There's no way I'm going to settle...never again. To do so would kill my heart.

My man. He's...perfect(I know I know...here's a bucket for you as you get sick). He is everything I've asked Him for and more. That feels so risky to admit. Kind of like admitting I'm having a really good quiet day at work(and I'll just say you NEVER admit to that in the ED-there are grave consequences for that kind of foul language). He's one of the main reasons I've been having some one on one ocean wave time the last handful of weeks. He called it butterflies. I call it the perfect storm...you know George Clooney style waves not Caribbean vacation, frozen drink in hand, lying on a blown up floatie as the crystal blue water laps against the floatie and lulls you to sleep kind of waves. They're (God and my man) challenging me to let go of control and stay present and engaged in every moment. To trust my heart and convictions but not deny what I'm feeling and thinking. Keep Him at the center at all costs. Put my heart out there instead of holding on to it closely-safely tucked where it can not be touched or seen. Love, as He does, unconditionally no matter the circumstances. Dont shut down. Don't rebuild walls. Because this is different. This isn't like anything I've experinced. He is not like any man I've ever known. They're taken me to a new depth of honesty and trust. I know that seems like a given...but in the midst of the waves of emotions, feelings, memories, wounds...to be honest and trust...to remember who you are vs who you were...where you've been vs where you are...it is an epic battle. One He's(God) been getting me ready for all my life.

I was talking to my man not too long ago. It was one of those hard honest conversations. The kind I'd rather not have because it doesn't feel safe. The kind that leaves me completely stripped...as if I had gotten up and stood in the middle of the room and removed everything I had on...figuratively speaking of course. Nothing left on me every article of clothing, bobby pin, hair tie, necklace...taken off and lying on the floor. In the midst of me stripping, being honest with my heart and sharing it I experenced a new truth about relationships.

As I interacted with Him about relationships...He opened my heart to the truth of what He created it for. Enjoyment...Bliss really. Eden. There isn't a lot we know about Eden. What we do know is enough to get the creative juices flowing and leave us daydreaming about what it must have been like. To live as God created us to live...everything at our fingertips. No stress. No trying. No working. Heaven on earth. Walking with Him in the cool of the day talking, laughing, enjoying...each other. Whew...but we fell. The fall was a great one...not just a little stumble or trip. No small lacerations or abrasions. Something worse than broken bones...broken hearts. Each time He gave us a chance for redemption, a chance to know and live in our promised land we were fickle and chose something other than Him. How many prophets in the Old Testament did He send pleading His case? He doesn't give up, He continues to pursue us, continues to offer Eden, and ask us to choose Him.

When we accept this offer, first choosing Him second embracing Eden, we more or less choose to hike up Mt. Everest. Actually, I think more people have successfully reached the summit of Everest. See, the journey back to Eden is lifelong. When we choose Him/Eden we make a conscious decision to fight through the fall of our hearts...the lies, wounds, dirty, ugly, shameful, appalling pieces of our hearts and bring them into the His light...to be seen and known. Faith says I trust you, I trust all I am will not shake you. Hope says I trust you, I trust He has opened your eyes to see the truth of my heart and you will not run and scream when you see all of me. Love says no matter how you take this, I care for you. I will not shrink back or shut down. I will take the chance you won't love me in return...I will give, love and share even if you don't or can't.

The journey through my fall of Eden consciously started 5 years ago...the landscape has turned from Death Valley to Denali. Arid and lifeless to wild, breathtaking, dangerous, overwhelming and ALIVE. The dream and desire He set in my heart before I was even conceived is now in my vision...still fully out of my grasp but if I stretch out my fingers as far as I can possibly stretch them I can... just... barely... touch it. I see it...I feel it...I hear and know it. And it propels me forward...more driven...more perseverant...more determined to not give in or give up.

I told Soul( aka B Fly...Flynn...Bethany) when we were sitting on a dock last summer my man...the man He has for me is going to be insanely incredible. To be able to lead in a relationship with me. To be able to handle my honesty...my heart...my past...my strength...my rambling. The strength he has to possess. The relationship with Him to know how to fight for and with me...the desire for more than meets the eye and the ferocity to fight for it and settle for nothing less. I can't even begin to imagine who he must be...now I know. And that makes people uncomfortable. Saying that makes people cringe a little. It definitely feels risky and dangerous. What if I'm wrong. I could be...anything is possible. I am confident...It's different this time. I feel it in my heart. It unavoidable. It's uncompromising. It's demands my attention. What I'm sure of is at this moment, the moment I am experiencing as I write this...I'm in love. He is the man I've been praying for and writing to in a journal. And that's what I'm living in. That's what I'm interacting with. If I didn't I would be living apart from my heart and I will never do that again. This is my journey back to Eden...and it's refreshing and unnerving to have someone new join me. I love it...

The Fear of Desire

A fear of desire.

If someone told me they had a fear of desire, I think I would be stunned. Dumbfounded really. I would pity the poor soul that feared the desires of his or her heart. I would think how could you be so weak? So lifeless? So ready to settle for anything but what you truly want? How could a person just be ok with that?

You may think I have it all together. You may think I am very patient. Very kind. Very compassionate. Completely in tune with my heart and Him. Yeah...umm not so much. People really do get under my skin...I just hide my true feelings well. I am not patient. I don't sit well...doing nothing but wait and wait and wait. It makes me anxious. It makes my mind go crazy. In fact I've found out recently...today actually just how impatient and fearful I am. I fear desire.

Ohh no...please don't pity me. He's bringing me through it. It's not easy. In fact it feels impossibly difficult. There's this guy...the funny thing is for me there really hasn't been "a guy" in a long time. It's an area that's been numb and safe for me. No one I've been drawn to, or really attracted to, until a few weeks ago. It was very subtle at first. And each time I saw or interacted with him that subtle something started becoming not so subtle. The less subtle it became the more panicked I started becoming. I found myself checking my hair and making sure there was nothing in my teeth before I saw him. I found myself excited to see him. I felt like a little school girl with a crush. I couldn't stop myself from feeling it. I didn't know what to do with what I was feeling.

A reaction was triggered. The need to be in control started to clash with the need to patiently wait to see what He was going to do with whatever was going on in my heart. When I say clash I don't mean cymbals of joy...I mean swords and shields...spikey ball things on long chains whipping around my head. I'd give in to the need of control and try to figure how I could make sure he knew I was interested...in a subtle way of course. Then when I couldn't figure it out I'd stop and try to regain my composure...breathe slowly and explain to Him ok you need to give me some more opportunities here. You're killing me with these couple minute conversations here and there...it's like You're teasing me. Please just give me the chance to say the right thing. Ugghh...is it as painful to read as it was to feel?

I'll spare you the tug of war details of all that has happened thus far.

Today after I jounraled and realized how I was not being patient and not trusting Him completely, I talked with my roommate about EVERYTHING that was going on in my heart. How I impatiently wrestled with control and the outcome of it. It wasn't very pretty. As she laid out what she was seeing and hearing and He started flooding me with truth.

I realized how safe I've been the last handful of years. For the first time in awhile I have come face to face with someone that triggered something in my heart that hasn't been awake or breathing even. It's easy to be around guys and have guys as friends when they don't awaken something in you. The moment that changed...it's like I forgot everything I've learned the last handful of years. Instead of standing on the truth of who I am...I started to embrace the fears and experiences I've had. Fear led to the need of control and the need to know. Know why I felt what I did. Know if he was available because if not that would make it easy and I could just let go and push through what I was feeling. Know if he was available would he be interested and if so what did that mean...and if not then great again I could just let go. It all boiled down to the fact that I didn't want to be attracted to anyone...attraction awakened desire. Which then aroused hope. And ushered in risk. It is uncomfortable. It feels dangerous.

I was living out of past wounds. I was allowing fear and the need to know control and distract my mind and heart. I became impatient and started not trusting completely. I didn't trust Him. Didn't trust in His time or plan. Felt He was teasing me and being cruel.

I see the truth now. I've let go. I've grown from experiencing it all. I experienced healing in a part of my life that hadn't surfaced since the initial blow and wound was given. It's not over, I know that. It's just begun. And I'm ready to overcome this fear. I'm so thankful for His perfect patience and love...