Choosing my heart

I've come to the realization that thoughts put into words and desires believed/trusted and acted upon are two of the most powerful forces I've experienced. The thoughts that streak through my mind hinge upon reactions and emotions felt and experienced. Where I get tripped up is when I reason with my thoughts. Deny my true feelings and "understand" why someone said or reacted how they did. Somehow I put myself in their shoes and come to the "understanding" yeah if I was in their shoes I probably would have done the same thing, or I have in fact had that same reaction so I can't be hurt or angry. It weakens me. It puts me in the state of I deserved it, I'm not worth anything more...and thus a slow yet downward spiral of "who I am" begins to form.

It is truly a battle of heart. It hurts like hell to stop it in it's tracks and it's even more painful to believe and trust what I know to be true and reverse the flow of my heart. In the midst of the battle I'm tempted into a state of numbness, of filling my moments with pointless cheap imitations of what my heart truly longs for. It is a daily battle, wrought with victories, running in place, and losing ground. And I play into it, even though I know what I need to do to move forward. Somehow I give into the paralyzing fabrications of what I'm capable of...running is fought tooth and nail. It gives me clarity, strength, focus...I wake up planning on running and some days I fight through the bullshit and hit the pavement. Other days I decide not to because of the weather, or put it off due to errands and swear I'll do it when the errands are completed(which takes too long and I then realize it's not going to happen).

The enemy will drive a stake between you and those that bring life and truth to you. The enemy is the Author of mind games, and he finds joy in twisting words, actions, silence...and if feelings and thoughts are left unsaid they become a power that chains us down and wears on our trust and heart. Lately God has been pushing me to be honest about my feelings, even anger which is a feeling/state of mind I told myself I would never have a part of again. Denying my feelings and reasoning through it was numbing my heart, it was putting a wedge between me and those I love. The very act of giving thoughts and words a voice completely destroys the power once held by the lies when they were left to my "reasoning and understanding". He has been stretching my heart with this truth-it's been so uncomfortable...and I feel more alive, more free and reconnected with my dear hearts and with my own heart.

I guess I am writing this because I am sick of giving in. I'm sick of being disappointed that I didn't step up and do what I need to for my heart. I'm so tired of choosing my heart only some times in certain circumstances...He can't do it on His own...I need to be all in for my heart too...so the chips are in...I'm calling that mo fo's bluff...and I am all in...come rain or shine I'm running tomorrow...I have to