He is ...Everything

This morning I woke up groggy, sore, tired, and just plain worn out. I was awake but didn't want to move...but didn't want to sleep, and felt anything but refreshed and revitalized from a good night's sleep. Unlike most mornings, I did not wake up slow...lingering in bed, in the cozy nook I made with my warm fuzzy blanket and comfy pillows, slowly allowing my mind to realize I was awake and journal early morning thoughts before diving into the day. My first thought was ughh...I need to take a hot shower and do something to feel better. The shower helped a little and after putting on sweats and a tank(my favorite day off outfit) I shuffled out of my bedroom to make some breakfast and journal...but before I did that I got side tracked in conversation about moving, packing, making appointments to sign a lease, and having little catty fights with my roommies which we had to nip in the bud because instead of being playful and fun they were getting twisted and had undertones of frustration and grumpiness(because I did not wake up slowly and have me time which I need in the morning). Lucky for me my roommie knows me and my morning quirkiness very well and quickly recognizing the warning signs of my grumpy sarcasm she swiftly called a truce and encouraged me to make my breakfast and journal.

I sat in silence eating breakfast, gazing through the front window watching the rain fall, lost in thought. Though I wasn't really thinking, I was trying to grasp what was on my mind, what I was feeling. It was just barely out of my reach...I almost had it...and my concentration was broken by music, packing, phone conversations...so I grabbed my iPod to get lost again in my own little world, picked up my pen and opened up my journal. "I already feel it", I quickly jotted down. "I feel so needy when it comes to You-is that possible, to be too needy with You?" The raspy voices coldly chimmed in..."you are so needy. Give Him a break hasn't He done enough for you. All you do is ask for more and more. Isn't enough enough. You are so selfish, so dependent, you are too much." "This feels like a trick to be more independent and withdraw myself from You to show you I can do things on my own", I wrote realizing-you S.O.B. did you really think He was going to let you get away with this forever...you just failed...miserably. Game OVER. I continued to write, "But we both know I can't live a second without You. I feel weak and tired today. I hesitate even asking because I feel like I ask so much of You anyway...I need more-I want more of You. I know You're here. I know You speak to me. I feel so selfish." The tears started flowing...I didn't care...they needed to come. He was unveiling my heart...He was opening my eyes to how the enemy had been playing me...why it worked and led to confusion. I fought through the tears and continued to let words pour from my heart, "I think my biggest struggle with this is I hear, feel, and know You-I see You moving and working in my life. But I feel so selfish because I need more. I am completely dependent on You. Completely. If I didn't have You I would be lost. I couldn't carry on. I couldn't breath. I would have no hope. No love. No life. That terrifies me to be so dependent on You and have so much yet ask for more...not only ask but NEED more of You-I feel like an addict. If You were a person I don't feel like You could handle me...I feel I would be too dependent, it would be unhealthy, I would lose myself. It's so different with You, by getting lost in You-dependent on You, I find myself-most importantly I find You. Asking You for strength...asking for You to draw near and envelop me in Your arms...asking You to give me the strength to rest in You-it goes against everything I've always done...pull away so I'm not too much. Show You I'm ok with what You've already given me and I can make do. What a lie I've bought into for so long...You want it all. My all. Everything I am, feel, think. How can it be possible that You want me more than I need You? I cannot wrap my head around that at all-my need, desire is so great-insatiable really...just when You fill me I feel my heart grow and I need more. In the stretching, healing, redemption and restoration of my heart, what once filled and satisfied my heart barely manages the thirst and I find myself parched and desperate to find an Oasis to satisfy myself again. I haven't always fully come to you have I?! I've held back not wanting to be too much for You. You've been drawing me out...slowly but surely." "Anna I can take it. I want it. Give me more of you. All of you", He gently whispered.

He showed me today...He is different. It feels society frowns upon any kind of dependence. It's seen as a weakness, something very unfavorable and unattractive. Up until today I somewhat agreed with that. Allowing yourself to be dependent on someone sets you up for the possibility of being disappointed and let down. Fear drives us towards independence. If we keep people at arms length or let them in just so far, then we can live somewhat in relationship with one another, in a self protected bubble of sorts. I vowed a long time ago that no one was ever going to break my heart again. I wasn't going to allow myself to need anyone. I was protecting my heart. I was suffocating my heart.

He showed me today...He is different. I am a recovering abuser of my heart. In my past I became dependent on being needed and wanted. I thought that's what love was. To be needed and wanted, not to need and want. To be needy and to want more than what you have was to be high maintenance, ungrateful, weak, and a bother. I came to this understanding of love after years of being unheard and not pursued. There were times in my life I got the courage to voice my needs and wants, but as they fell on deaf ears, I felt the familiar pains of disappointment jab at my already achey heart. After feeling so much pain and disappointment one has to go in survival mode so you don't completely lose heart or hope...at least that's what I needed to do. He has been breaking down those walls for the last three years...they've come crashing down like the walls of Jericho and now He's sweeping up the rubble.

He showed me today...He is different. He allows, rather, He asks me to need Him...in His vast perfect love and grace, I somehow am not too much. He is Heaven Bent on going to every and any extent to give me...EVERYTHING. My hearts whims, longings, deep passions and desires are not only heard they are already known. Before I had the courage to even give them a voice He waited with bated breath...for this very moment. For the moment I was able to see what He has been trying to show me my entire life. And when I talk with Him about these wants and needs that reside in the deepest depths of my heart...He savors every syllable, eyes glowing, face beaming, and with a heartfelt sigh whispers, "My beautiful one, I've been waiting for this day for 32 years, 8 months and 4 days." What's even more stunning is He doesn't need me...He desperately WANTS me. Doesn't that just send chills down your entire body, it did mine. I've never known such love before. I have barely grazed the surface of what He has in store for me and my heart...what seems like too impossibly much to me is the size of a single grain of sand to Him...How is that possible?

He is Unfathomable...He is Ridiculously Passionate...He is a Relentless Pursuer and Hero of the heart...He is...Everything.

So today I say...thank you for rescuing my once battered lifeless broken heart. Now please overfill my ever growing, stretching, hungry heart My Love. I need You...more of You...thank You for moving-for unveiling my eyes...for Truth and Life...for Your Incredible Perfect Love...