Sandpaper...

A dear friend of mine said something to me that caught me off guard about a month ago. My initial thought(in my head) was, "Wow you have absolutely no clue what-so-ever, do you." The moments that followed quickly ushered my foot in my mouth as I pondered over her statement and Truth began to trickle in.

"Maybe He is redeeming your physical being, Anna." Not her words exactly, what she said was a bit more flowing but it gives you an idea more or less. Her statement was a response to my unnerving confession of having another physically intimate dream. It was number...well I'll just say it was number way too many and it was leaving me perplexed and a little bothered. I explained to her it's never been the same story line, but what has been the common denominator has been physical intimacy. This theme has flowed into my daily life also, regarding physical touch(people touching me) and witnessing physical touch(with people I trust and love dearly).

It's been a strange and challenging time for me. I was raised in a family that hugged...ALOT. This is different. He's bringing to surface some deep dark uncomfortable memories...of me not standing up for myself...of me getting into if-y situations...of me agreeing with lies...and He's trying to break through the walls and shed His life giving light and truth into these war savaged areas of my heart.

He reminds me that I don't know what it looks or feels like to be in a healthy Christ centered relationship. When I see two people, boyfriend and girlfriend, snuggle/touch/hold hands/give each other a back rub it raises the hairs on the back of my neck up. Red flares are going off in my head, and I have to stop myself from rushing in to save those poor people from the biggest mistake of their lives...all because they were cuddling. It's ok to laugh a bit. Pretty absurd, huh. But honestly it's in these moments that it feels like He is taking sandpaper and rubbing against the grain of my heart. It's confusing. It's a bit disorienting. It hurts.

He reminds me of what "my lovely" mentioned to me. It's time to redeem physical touch for you Anna. I pause and think, really...I had no idea it was this bad. I was so blind to this area of my heart. I did not know how badly wounded it was.

Then He challenges me...what is this going to look like for you Anna. Ohh no...don't you start, I tell Him. There's no way...no way I'd be cuddling. Uhh huh...absolutely no way. You know what happened last time...hhhmmm right...last time...that's what You're getting at. So what will it look like, I ask Him. He starts stroking my heart delivering more abrasions from the sandpaper...He's such an intentional Carpenter, a perfectionist really...very deliberate with EVERY stroke and detail. Trust me, He whispers. Follow me...hold my hand...it's different this time...

We're still debating over it all...I'm not even almost in a relationship of any kind, but I swear at this point physical touch is nothing but trouble and temptation. He's slowly and meticulously sand blasting every surface...raising up questions and interacting with me about the truth of my past...why things happened the way they did and the promise it won't be that way this time.

I'm intrigued by what it will look like for me...that's a first. Confident in His promise and in His grip on my hand as He leads me through it all, just as I asked Him to...through it, not over it-around it-or under it but through it...for redemption...for freedom...to know and experience Him in the fullest extent possible...