My life a Masquerade no longer...

I know, I know, please bare with me...this is not a new concept in any way shape or form. I've heard just short of a handful of sermons based on the idea of us having on masks, disguises, alternate identities...to our friends we're carefree, in control, have it all together and out to have a great time. To our family we're responsible, mature, respectful, and reserved/under control. Behind our bedroom door when the lights are out and no one else is around we are a mess, we are unrecognizable, we are disconnected, disoriented, unsure. Who are you? Are you constant or does who you are depend on who is around?

Over the last three years He has been s..l..o..w..l..y.. and patiently helping me remove my masks and shed my costumes. I was one person to my family, one person around my ex-husband and his family, one person around my co workers and friends...it was hard to look in the mirror. It's hard to keep up the role of Anna Thomas nurse extraordinaire, Christian, responsible steward, kind-gentle-loving-strong woman...I'll stop there you get the idea...it took awhile to understand who I am vs what I do...I am more than what I do or what I am good at in fact I'm more than what I don't do and I fail miserably at.

I have had a few relationships. Let me clarify I have a lot of relationships but only a few dating relationships. I'm more a less a novice when it comes to the opposite sex and I used to be married. Crazy isn't it. Before I was hooked, chained up, hitched, married...there were certain things I had in my mind I wanted "my man" "the man I'm supposed to be with" to see in me. I wanted him to see the beauty I thought I possessed. I wanted him to see my heart. One day, a guy came around. Speech smooth, actions smoother, and he saw "me". He saw me exactly as I saw myself, everything I wanted someone else to see. He brought me flowers and balloons which is something I had always wanted someone to do for me(we even danced in the rain to Lady in Red one of my favorite songs). He told me that I had a good heart, that I was beautiful, that I had so much to offer, that I'd be a great mom, that I was strong and sweet, that he was so lucky I was with him...everything I thought I was-everything I thought I wanted to hear...you know what's scary. Everything I thought was true...everything I wanted someone to see and desire...was based on a twisted and distorted image I had believed was me up to that point in my life. I wanted someone to want me and I didn't even know who I was, yet someone saw it all and put to voice who I thought I wanted to be...are you following me here? This guy recognized all my masks...he gave a voice to all my disguises...everything I actually wasn't, but I had convinced myself I was...it astonishes me now. How blind I was...how lost I was...how I thought someone had seen me...to be seen is POWERFUL and when it's not based on the truth of who you are it's dangerous...

Four years ago if you asked me...Anna tell me about you. Who are you? My heart would have sunk to my toes and I would have thought ohh no...which character should I tell you about. "Well let's see", I'd sigh, I'll do a smattering of everything ..."I am a nurse, a wife-strike that a woman striving to be a perfect well rounded wife that will do anything to effectively love her husband, I am a daughter and sister, a friend that needs to work on her availability and vulnerability, I'm a Christian though the evidence of that is a little if-y...overall a kind, loving person. Most people call me sweet and caring. umm does that answer your question"...I'd hesitantly answer. Blah...blah...blah...if I was honest with you and with my heart what I should have said is...I'm lost...I'm dying...I'm lonely...I'm in debt and can't handle all the bills I have accumulated...I don't have control of anything but fight for every little bit I can cling to because if I loose control...I don't want to think about that...I need to be better...better at everything. I am unhappy, I want to be loved, I want to be skinny, I want to take people's breath away and make their head's turn because of my beauty...I want to be happy...I want to be alive but don't know how that will ever happen because this is the life I choose.

I recently started to remove a mask I've had on for almost 10 years now. That is one of failure and shame because of debt, lack of responsibility and accountability to pay off bills accrued while I was married. I have been wearing a mask pretending that I have it all figured out, all under control, all taken care of. Fear paralyzed me, what would people think of me if they knew how much I messed up, how badly I screwed up in this with bad decisions. I have been interacting with Him about this on and off for awhile...and it was just recently He asked me to invite people into this. He brought to mind a passage of scripture in the New Testament that spoke of Jesus casting out a demon after the disciples failed to do so and He said that that kind of demon had to be casted out by prayer. I realized this mask in particular was bigger than me...that it would take the strength of "the body"...not just a part of it. So yes...my name is Anna Thomas and I am a novice financial steward that has really screwed up in the past and is trying to find a balance with making a budget and conquering the fear of creditors, praying for the strength and wisdom to contact them and tell them this is what I can do right now...it's not a lot but it's what I have, I'm sorry for skirting my responsibility up until now...and the mask? It's slipping off...it's losing it's hold...

Who am I? Good question...I am still learning...I'm still recovering my sight. This is what He's opened my eyes to so far...I AM ANNA THOMAS...a woman after God's own heart...a woman that fights for what her heart wants and needs...a woman that sees His beauty, life and love in snow angels, flying kites, mud fights, dancing a baby to sleep, hot dark chocolate with cayenne pepper and a candy cane, eating candy necklaces while sitting on a picnic table at a dog park, butterfly kisses, drinking wine on a hike, the love and grace of family, a smile, silence, warm rain on the beach, water lapping against the side of a canoe, redemption of the heart, tears from pain as He purifies what once was stained (I could honestly go on and on and...), a woman of ridiculous incomprehendable strength, a woman of vision and discernment, a woman whose greatest desire is to know Him-see Him-feel Him in everything and anything, a woman that fights for your heart-for the truth of who you are and who you are meant to be, a woman that will not back down-give up-or lose hope, a woman that knows He stays true to His promises...every single one...a woman that knows she would be nothing without Him...who knows and loves the sound of His voice...a woman that is trying to take hold and not hide from her beauty...

Who are you?