Too Much

"The story of your life is the story of the long and brutal assault on your heart by the one who knows what you could be and fears it."(Captivating-Eldredge)

A few years ago a friend of mine and I were communicating by e-mail. A coffee date was out of the question because I was in Alaska and he, well, was not. There was a lot God opened my heart to through our messages. Today He reminded me of one of his messages to me. "Often our gifts, our strengths, are the very things the enemy focuses on. he tries to twist and corrupt them, in hopes he will eventually break us," he wrote. It was something so simple, so obvious, elementary really. Something so powerful and true. A deep truth only He could open someone's eyes to through experiencing it themselves.

He has opened my eyes to a new understanding about me and my heart recently. It stems from the wisdom I just shared.

Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge changed my life four years ago. I identified with a lot of the battles of the heart they wrote about. I often felt as if they had written the book specifically for me. The words were so right on with what I was experiencing, feeling, learning... One of the battles of a woman's heart is feeling like we're too much. Now, it's not quite that simple. Every woman has her own battles...but in general the specifics can be boiled down to the simple idea that we are too much, in any and every way.

I have fought with this idea for awhile. My past is too much for any man to step into. There is no man that will be up to the challenge. I am too much. I feel too much. I need too much. I want the impossible-true passionate love, as He always meant it to be. I am complicated. I am more work than rest. Someone is going to try to fight and quit because they will get worn out. This is the bullshit that I have fought with on and off for the past four or five years. Some of it was verbalized to me, word for word actually. Some of the bullshit was the unspoken words my heart heard.

I have been interacting with the idea of relationship recently. Everything that comes with relationships...excitement, joy, anxiety, frustrations, communication, lack of communication. I now know why it has taken me this long to get to the point I would even entertain the thought of choosing to let someone know me. It's a lot. A lot of feelings and emotions. The stuff that I've protected myself from. The things He's protected me from. I wasn't ready. I didn't know who I was. What I was made of. I had no idea really what I wanted. A man, of course...but what else. How could I know, if I didn't know myself? How can I know if I don't understand the truth and lies my heart filters through daily?

The fact I am too much is not fully a lie. I've known for awhile now that it will take a very strong, confident, secure man to be able to "lead" in a relationship with me. However, it is not a necessity for the reasons I once believed to be true. It isn't because of my past. It isn't because of what I feel and my emotions. It isn't because what I want is unattainable. It IS because of the strength and truth of who I am. It IS because of the depth and strength of how I love. What I see(truth, beauty, and the bullshit lies). What I need. The honesty I speak. How He speaks to me. How He leads me. Who He is to and for me. My man needs to understand...I am full. I am filled with Him. He(my man) doesn't need to be anything other than the truth of who he is. I am a lot of woman, and I need a man that is a lot of man. I won't settle for anything less. I can't. If I did I would lose my heart. I won't lose my heart. I won't lose Him.

What do you struggle with? What half truths do you fight on a daily basis? What is the fruit of it? I challenge you to take a step back...ask Him to open your eyes to the whole picture. Be amazed at the battle that is under way...because of who you are. Who you are meant to be. Who He sees you as. Who is the enemy trying to convince you, you are...trying to make you settle to be?

"Why does Satan make Eve the focus of his assault on humanity? Because she is captivating, uniquely glorious, and he cannot be. She is the incarnation of the Beauty of God. More than anything else in all creation, she embodies the glory of God. She allures the world to God. He hates it with a jealousy we can only imagine. Eve is his greatest human threat, for she brings life. She is a lifesaver and a lifegiver." (Captivating-Eldredge)