Moving a head from the end of December(2006) to June(2007)...I again found myself gazing out of those same windows as I journaled. This time I WAS home. In six months time(it felt like an eternity) my life turned from suffocating and lifeless to a soap opera. Seriously. I was now separated and living at home with my family. I couldn't grasp all He was orchestrating. It was during this time He built the foundation of trust, protection, provision, and the truth of who He is. When I journaled I didn't hold anything back there was no filter and no question of what I was thinking or feeling. I remember telling Him I didn't think I could ever trust a man again. I told Him I wasn't sure loving a man was worth it. I remember asking Him "What are you up to? How are you going to pull me out of all of this? There is so much, I can't even start to comprehend it. This could take more than my lifetime. I can't do this alone, in fact I don't feel like I can do it at all." I couldn't see past where I was at the time. I couldn't wrap my head around what life would look like. When I was married there was one constant whatever I did, wherever I was, it would be with my husband. Now He was my constant...and I was seeing and experiencing how He is beyond my thoughts and understanding. I had no idea what was going to happen, no idea where I'd be, yet I knew one thing without a doubt, It would be with Him.
I remember longing to be held. I remember feeling completely alone in the midst of being surrounded by those whom loved me deeply. I remember desiring to be in a relationship...the kind of relationship He engraved in my heart. I remember how the desire for love clashed with the nagging ache of betrayal. He enveloped me...He was in everything even then. He spoke through strangers, through billboards, through color, through numbers, through snow angels and flying kites...it was at this time I began to realize how He was alive in all that I interacted with and all that surrounded me. I became so in tune with His voice, so fluent in how He spoke to me and how He moved in my heart, I followed Him in complete confidence, even when common sense begged me to reconsider. He held me. He didn't take it personally when I told Him it sometimes didn't feel like enough, I needed more. We often interacted about relationships. The truth. The lies. What I knew and was clueless about. At one point I remember asking Him "How long?" "How long is this process going to take?" He answered..."33. When you're 33 Anna...it'll be time." I was shocked, "3 years!?!...it's going to take 3 years to get to the point I can trust a man and be open to a relationship! You've got to be kidding me." "33" He responded. And I knew He meant what He said. I felt it in the depths of my heart and I didn't say another word except...ok. Where do we start?
And now...I've been 33 for 5 months. As you've read it's been quite the journey so far. A beautiful, humorous, bittersweet journey. He's been luring me out. Little by little flooded each step with all He is. Redeeming and reconditioning memories...second chances to experience the truth of Him and me. That being said, He ( and I am going to give Him the credit for this because I did not intentionally do what I'm about to share with you) is showing me how my life in general is a lot like my skinny tire bike.
I work in an ER 3pm-3am shift. Usually I'm spent by the time I get home. However there are times I'm wired...the patients are crazy sick, the families are plain crazy, the rooms on the floors are dirty and not empty and my patients are waiting in the hall, on a hard stretcher, in the middle of the ER, staring at me every time I walk by burning a whole in my chest with their glare as if I'm purposely keeping them there out of spite. On nights like that I have to unwind. Often I journal and process through the night. Sometimes, however, I have to do something mindless...that is where I found myself recently. Needing to unwind with some mindless activity...so I turned to the internet. I looked at stores, wrote an email or two, looked at facebook...and then out of no where "E-harmony" came to mind. I have no idea where it came from and honestly for me I thought an on-line dating site would be a way to take control out of His hands and in to my own so it was never an option for me. In the wee hours of this particular morning I suddenly had a curiosity that I couldn't shake. So I googled it. I came to the main site and was greeted by a colorful sparkling flashing invitation to"take our free online personality profile". I always enjoyed the personality profiles I took in psychology class, and I was still wide awake, so I thought ok...why not. About 45 min's later I was congratulated for completing my very own profile and they already had 7 matches for me. My heart stopped and then dropped to my toes. What just happened I thought. I was on the verge of panic. Shaking my head I thought this isn't what I wanted. I closed my computer and thought ohh my...what did I just unintentionally get myself into. 7 matches...nope I'm not ready. Uh-huh. Nope. This is a mistake.
After I took a few moments to gather my composure my panic slowly turned to curiosity. I hesitantly looked at the matches, all the while thinking I never expected this. He soon reminded me there was no commitment, no promise of relationship or duty with these guys. He was responding to what I was feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was part of the journey. In the last week He has opened my heart up to rejection, which may be the hardest thing to be open to. To a new depth of hope and faith. He's allowing me to experience the truth of who I am in a safe situation that deals with nothing but relationship. As I journaled last night I told Him of lies and feelings that were coming to the surface. About feeling like I'm too much. Not being able to see past who I was in my last relationship. As I wrote the words down He was answering me. "I'm not going anywhere Anna. Nothing is changing between us. Let go. It's time for new life. New love. New experiences. What I'm taking you into is not what you're familiar with. You've never experienced this. It's going to be incredible...trust me." His peace filled me. My vision cleared and all I see is a blank canvas, brush in His hand and vibrant colors quivering with excitement and anticipation as they wait on Him to use them in what's ahead. It's like nothing I've experienced before. If that's all my E-harmony experience is about...wow. He's so intentional with me.
I can laugh about it now that the panic has subsided. Who knows what will happen. I don't...He does...and that's all that matters.
It's felt a lot like riding and wanting my skinny tire bike. Trusting, hoping, risking, panicking, letting go...I'd have it no other way.
No comments:
Post a Comment