If someone told me they had a fear of desire, I think I would be stunned. Dumbfounded really. I would pity the poor soul that feared the desires of his or her heart. I would think how could you be so weak? So lifeless? So ready to settle for anything but what you truly want? How could a person just be ok with that?
You may think I have it all together. You may think I am very patient. Very kind. Very compassionate. Completely in tune with my heart and Him. Yeah...umm not so much. People really do get under my skin...I just hide my true feelings well. I am not patient. I don't sit well...doing nothing but wait and wait and wait. It makes me anxious. It makes my mind go crazy. In fact I've found out recently...today actually just how impatient and fearful I am. I fear desire.
Ohh no...please don't pity me. He's bringing me through it. It's not easy. In fact it feels impossibly difficult. There's this guy...the funny thing is for me there really hasn't been "a guy" in a long time. It's an area that's been numb and safe for me. No one I've been drawn to, or really attracted to, until a few weeks ago. It was very subtle at first. And each time I saw or interacted with him that subtle something started becoming not so subtle. The less subtle it became the more panicked I started becoming. I found myself checking my hair and making sure there was nothing in my teeth before I saw him. I found myself excited to see him. I felt like a little school girl with a crush. I couldn't stop myself from feeling it. I didn't know what to do with what I was feeling.
A reaction was triggered. The need to be in control started to clash with the need to patiently wait to see what He was going to do with whatever was going on in my heart. When I say clash I don't mean cymbals of joy...I mean swords and shields...spikey ball things on long chains whipping around my head. I'd give in to the need of control and try to figure how I could make sure he knew I was interested...in a subtle way of course. Then when I couldn't figure it out I'd stop and try to regain my composure...breathe slowly and explain to Him ok you need to give me some more opportunities here. You're killing me with these couple minute conversations here and there...it's like You're teasing me. Please just give me the chance to say the right thing. Ugghh...is it as painful to read as it was to feel?
I'll spare you the tug of war details of all that has happened thus far.
Today after I jounraled and realized how I was not being patient and not trusting Him completely, I talked with my roommate about EVERYTHING that was going on in my heart. How I impatiently wrestled with control and the outcome of it. It wasn't very pretty. As she laid out what she was seeing and hearing and He started flooding me with truth.
I realized how safe I've been the last handful of years. For the first time in awhile I have come face to face with someone that triggered something in my heart that hasn't been awake or breathing even. It's easy to be around guys and have guys as friends when they don't awaken something in you. The moment that changed...it's like I forgot everything I've learned the last handful of years. Instead of standing on the truth of who I am...I started to embrace the fears and experiences I've had. Fear led to the need of control and the need to know. Know why I felt what I did. Know if he was available because if not that would make it easy and I could just let go and push through what I was feeling. Know if he was available would he be interested and if so what did that mean...and if not then great again I could just let go. It all boiled down to the fact that I didn't want to be attracted to anyone...attraction awakened desire. Which then aroused hope. And ushered in risk. It is uncomfortable. It feels dangerous.
I was living out of past wounds. I was allowing fear and the need to know control and distract my mind and heart. I became impatient and started not trusting completely. I didn't trust Him. Didn't trust in His time or plan. Felt He was teasing me and being cruel.
I see the truth now. I've let go. I've grown from experiencing it all. I experienced healing in a part of my life that hadn't surfaced since the initial blow and wound was given. It's not over, I know that. It's just begun. And I'm ready to overcome this fear. I'm so thankful for His perfect patience and love...
No comments:
Post a Comment