It's been a constant in my life for as long as I can remember. I know and have experienced many forms of love. Some healthy and pure others dark and twisted. All in all I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on the concept of love. I know I sound a bit confident and sure of myself...but I just get it. In a lot of ways it's like breathing for me.
Through my journey of truth, redemption, and healing my understanding and experience of love has been taken to a level I didn't know possible. 10 years ago if you had asked anyone that knew me what do you know or think about Anna. The first words out of their mouth would have more than likely been...she loves well. It's amazing how someone can love and not be alive. I don't know why people thought that about me. I did not really feel loving. I felt lost. I felt dark. I felt stuck. I felt barely alive. Yet somehow He loved people through me.
One of the first things I learned about love after I was separated and well on my way to divorce is it's tough. It's not always mushy and gooey. Sometimes it stings with honesty. Sometimes it's gritty like sandpaper. Just because it doesn't feel good doesn't mean it's not love. That's what is so amazing about it. It seems every feeling you could possibly experience can be experienced with love. When is anger ever warm and fuzzy...or ooey gooey?
My brother Philip and now sister M.P. got married not quite two weeks ago. It was possibly the most personal intentional wedding I've ever experienced. Philip met M.P. up the aisle as she walked towards him. As he walked towards her he was snapping his own pictures of her, and her alone. M.P. walking towards him as he saw her. I can honestly say I've never witnessed that in my life(it was my favorite moment of their day). If you've read any of my blogs before you'll know there was a time their relationship challenged me to a degree of incredible discomfort. They challenged and stretched me possibly more than anyone has. They were a big catalyst and key to where I am now...in my own relationship. There are so many different opinions and ideas related to their relationship you'd be amazed. In fact the push and pull they received...the thoughts and opinions...the prayers...the pleas...the concerns...the judgement...and the little bit of encouragement and support they received would have sent most relationships to the grave. They aren't perfect. None of us are. They had the strength to listen to my concerns, doubts, and convictions about their relationship...all with the footnote of just so you two know I think this is more for me than you. We all make up the body of Christ...but there is only One judge and jury. The absolute truth I know about Philip and M.P...other than they love each other in a uniquely refreshing and beautiful way is...they love and seek God. When you ask for His will...when you pray and ask for things it happens...and they did this. I know they did.
M.P. called me a few months ago and said(I'm paraphrasing of course)...Anna you've been there from day one. You've been through the good and the bad. You've shared your heart and didn't hold back. I would like you to be a bridesmaid...my response was...of course I will. Philip and M.P. deepened my experience and understanding of love. This is what they taught me...(the toast I wrote to them and spoke to them at their reception)
To say I love Philip and M.P. is an understatement.
I've known Philip all his life. I've witnessed temper tantrums that would make the tazmanian devil blush and I've seen him love with an intensity and unconditional grace that would melt the coldest heart of stone. I've known M.P. for what seems like a lifetime. I've witnessed crazed ranting and ravings that would put any liberal lobbyist to shame and a breathtaking beauty and tender love that would soften and soothe the most calloused and wounded heart.
You bring the two of them together and you've got strength, beauty, grace, love, passion, fight...with hearts hot after God and a thirst to seek, serve and save the lost. I'm not surprised your union has been in the crosshairs from the start. I believe marriage is a journey back to Eden, before the fall...when man and woman walked in the cool of the day with God...bliss. The journey to Eden is beautiful, often bittersweet and at times leaves us perplexed...feeling raw, vulnerable, breathless, and honestly completely undone.
I have had the honor of seeing you two figure this all out. You've challenged me in ways that made me uncomfortable. Made me question what I knew of relationship and being Spirit led. You reminded me that His Spirit often leads us in a way that doesn't make sense. When He speaks it's just like He heals, loves, and redeems-it's uniquely personal and intimately intentional. When we ask Him to be in everything, that His will be done...He often takes us to the places that aren't easy or comfortable and it's through this redeeming fire that He heals and purifies us.
IF...if we choose as Philip and M.P. have to face fears, misconceptions, doubts, and wounds head on by seeking God in everything-in every success, mistake, moment, and thought. THEN we will understand and know what it feels like to be alive...to be immersed in God's unconditional grace and love and to be caught up in such beauty that words escape us.
Through you two I am humbled with a new understanding of relationship and love. It's gritty. It's Fierce. It's unoffendable. It's not always like rubber, sometimes it's like steel and it shakes everything around it when it hits the ground. It's cautiously open, taking every spoken challenge, question, and doubt to Him. For ultimately it is His truth and wisdom that holds any weight. It's passionate and recklessly beautiful...and it never stops fighting for what is known yet can't be explained. Thank you for taking all of my advice, doubts, and challenges with a grain of salt and running to Him with it...I know it was often honestly biased. May God and all the heavenly beings rejoice and celebrate today and every day of your lives together...may His grace, love, and beauty flood and sustain you in the times of grit and redemption. I love you both deeply and unconditionally...
anna, this is breathtaking.
ReplyDeleteyour tender heart for the Father never ceases to move me.
i bless Him today for His gentle kindnesses, for Philip and MP, for grace and healing in surprising places, for His intimate pursuit, and for words like yours that call attention to His goodness.
much love to you my friend.
Absolutely beautiful, well written and profound as well as touching. Your words were soothing , I look forward to reading more of your thoughts.
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