In the first chapter of Job, there is a brief dialogue between God and satan. Which now thinking about it really intrigues me. God asks Satan what he's been up to. Satan responds that he's more or less been hanging out watching everything that's going on. God asks him..."Have you noticed my servant Job?" Out of everyone on earth He mentions this one man...He not only asks Satan if he noticed him, he goes on to brag about him like a proud parent would of their child. God called Job the finest man in all the earth, blameless, and of complete integrity. I can't even imagine what Job must have been like. God knew Job's heart. Satan doubted it...and was allowed to test him.
Now to compare my life to Job's almost seems blasphemous. That's just the honest truth...that man endured things I can't even fathom. His integrity and heart must have been great for the lengths satan was permitted to go to. 1 Corinthians 10:12 and 13 state..."If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted He will show you a way out so that you can endure." Temptations, decisions, circumstances, consequences, unexpected experiences and situations happen. They test us. Challenge us. We have the opportunity to let them break us or strengthen and deepen us. God knows our hearts. Satan knows them too. We are not blameless. We are not sinless. We were made in His image. We did fall and satan did have a really good stand back in Eden. But it doesn't stop there. We all experience times in our lives like Job and Eve. We get tested because of our hearts...and because the last thing satan wants us to do is believe in God's love...His promises... If he can tempt us to doubt the heart of God then he can keep us in a life of compromise and settling, dulled color, and dimmed beauty.
A couple entries ago I very confidently pronounced I was dating someone. As I type that sentence out I can't help but smile and chuckle simply because I'm not now. Before you jump to any conclusions...ANY of them...STOP. I don't need to hear told you so. Or I'm going to kill him. Or poor Anna that's awful. I don't need it and to do so would be pointless because it's HIM. It's how He does. How He rolls. How He rep-re-sents(insert fist pound to the chest with gangsta look on my face here). It's a bit humbling to let you all in on that. But to not be honest about that would cause me to not be honest with what is going on with my heart.
To embrace something with reckless abandonment is something I have spoken of and at times in my life have had the privilege of experiencing. For me to do it for love. For a man. IS. HUGE. To trust what my heart knows to be true but can't quite prove or explain with facts and fully with scripture was a monumental step for me. To embrace the leading of the Spirit when there is risk and a great possibility it could change takes a set... You know what I'm saying. It's easy to embrace and announce something that is safe and controlled.
The beautiful thing about my friend...is how God has/is used/using him in my life. We may not be dating. But what I have experienced the last nine weeks or so has helped me understand the passage that says "perfect love drives out fear." When we first started talking he challenged me to embrace my heart. I was all caution. I think we should just talk. Then it was I think we might be talking to much. All the while he patiently encouraged me to let go...embrace what I saw and felt and trust. God isn't someone who tricks or teases us he said. To drop everything and just go somewhere wouldn't be too hard for me if He asked me to. I don't necessarily need to have a job lined up or everything in order...I just have to be told to go. Love was a completely different animal. Love was very personal and deeply wounded. When he called me out on living in fear and caution I saw it. I realized he was right. I wasn't fully trusting Him or my heart. So I let go. I allowed myself to let someone in and even fall in love. It is the biggest risk I have taken thus far.
For me, right now in this present moment, my testing is a result of choices I made years and years ago. Even before I was married. I am not blameless like Job. God holds out both of His hands and asks me to choose. Funny thing about Him is there is no second guessing what's in each hand...He's not hiding anything. His hands are outstretched, palm side up and the choices are clear. Choose me or don't. Experience the truth of who you are as a woman...your strength, your resolve, your beauty, your faith, hope, and the truth of your love. Or don't and move backwards, embracing that lost little girl you were a few years back. I could choose to continue on the path I had before, falling back into old habits. Embracing self preservation. Cowering back when fear started pressing in. Or I could trust Him and His promise that it's different this time. Trust that His promise, who I am in Him is more than enough and I am not my past failures, shame, wounds...is actually true. He gave me the strength and courage to acknowledge the needs and desires of my heart. Give them a voice not knowing how they would be reacted to. Each time some fear or wound from my past resurfaced and I interacted with it and shared it with him(my friend) he patiently and discerningly held it. He(my friend) interacted with it. As he interacted with me through all of it...God redeemed these painful dark areas. The most recent was with our last conversation. The one we decided to completely take a step back...all the way to square one. Friends. It wasn't an immediate decision. It was something we had to talk about a few times to get on the same page. Fear immediately swept in. The fear of this is happening because I'm some twisted combination of not enough or too much. The fear of him finding someone else and there being a connection. The fear of my heart being wrong. The fear of feeling like I was sharing him and competing with someone else for his heart. That last one was the most painful. It took me straight back to being married and competing with my husband's lover for his heart and attention. That one made me sick to my stomach and took my breath away. We talked about all of them which was NOT easy. The ugly of my past was showing out...and he didn't shake. He(my friend) stayed constant.
My friend...is true. No false pretensions. No guessing or games. His honesty, trust in my heart, and strength leave me breathless. I trust him. He's like no man I've met. Through him God is redeeming men...what I've known, felt and experienced. Once again. God continues to leave nothing untouched. He continues to take me into my fall from Eden. Giving me opportunity to stand on who I truly am. Feel the weight of who I am. Feel and experience my heart. Embrace it. Be honest with it. Stand up for it. Redeem it by choosing it and facing fears and not building up walls. Recognize what was vs what is and overcome it with who I am. To see and feel my old self slough off, giving way to beauty, truth and strength. It's incredible.
I know how He works, moves and speaks in my heart. I am not always perfect in the translation but I am very fluent and pretty spot on with deciphering the message. I know He will not allow just any man to step into my life and know, experience, and handle the areas of my heart that need redemption, healing and restoration. He's not like that. He's laying a foundation. One that is imperative to build a relationship that lives and breathes Him. That's what I base my faith and confidence on. The dirty work. The honesty and hard conversations. The decisions that cut and sting. They are what leave us bare. In a beautiful vulnerable nakedness where there are no masks, multiple identities, no walls. This detour has reminded me that my desire is to live naked and unashamed. Like Eve before the fall. How insanely ridiculous that will be. I am thanking Him for His unexpected detours...they make life spontaneous. I am all caught up in His wild uninhibited love and pursuit of my heart.
"Yet God has made everything beautiful in His time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11
Now to compare my life to Job's almost seems blasphemous. That's just the honest truth...that man endured things I can't even fathom. His integrity and heart must have been great for the lengths satan was permitted to go to. 1 Corinthians 10:12 and 13 state..."If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted He will show you a way out so that you can endure." Temptations, decisions, circumstances, consequences, unexpected experiences and situations happen. They test us. Challenge us. We have the opportunity to let them break us or strengthen and deepen us. God knows our hearts. Satan knows them too. We are not blameless. We are not sinless. We were made in His image. We did fall and satan did have a really good stand back in Eden. But it doesn't stop there. We all experience times in our lives like Job and Eve. We get tested because of our hearts...and because the last thing satan wants us to do is believe in God's love...His promises... If he can tempt us to doubt the heart of God then he can keep us in a life of compromise and settling, dulled color, and dimmed beauty.
A couple entries ago I very confidently pronounced I was dating someone. As I type that sentence out I can't help but smile and chuckle simply because I'm not now. Before you jump to any conclusions...ANY of them...STOP. I don't need to hear told you so. Or I'm going to kill him. Or poor Anna that's awful. I don't need it and to do so would be pointless because it's HIM. It's how He does. How He rolls. How He rep-re-sents(insert fist pound to the chest with gangsta look on my face here). It's a bit humbling to let you all in on that. But to not be honest about that would cause me to not be honest with what is going on with my heart.
To embrace something with reckless abandonment is something I have spoken of and at times in my life have had the privilege of experiencing. For me to do it for love. For a man. IS. HUGE. To trust what my heart knows to be true but can't quite prove or explain with facts and fully with scripture was a monumental step for me. To embrace the leading of the Spirit when there is risk and a great possibility it could change takes a set... You know what I'm saying. It's easy to embrace and announce something that is safe and controlled.
The beautiful thing about my friend...is how God has/is used/using him in my life. We may not be dating. But what I have experienced the last nine weeks or so has helped me understand the passage that says "perfect love drives out fear." When we first started talking he challenged me to embrace my heart. I was all caution. I think we should just talk. Then it was I think we might be talking to much. All the while he patiently encouraged me to let go...embrace what I saw and felt and trust. God isn't someone who tricks or teases us he said. To drop everything and just go somewhere wouldn't be too hard for me if He asked me to. I don't necessarily need to have a job lined up or everything in order...I just have to be told to go. Love was a completely different animal. Love was very personal and deeply wounded. When he called me out on living in fear and caution I saw it. I realized he was right. I wasn't fully trusting Him or my heart. So I let go. I allowed myself to let someone in and even fall in love. It is the biggest risk I have taken thus far.
For me, right now in this present moment, my testing is a result of choices I made years and years ago. Even before I was married. I am not blameless like Job. God holds out both of His hands and asks me to choose. Funny thing about Him is there is no second guessing what's in each hand...He's not hiding anything. His hands are outstretched, palm side up and the choices are clear. Choose me or don't. Experience the truth of who you are as a woman...your strength, your resolve, your beauty, your faith, hope, and the truth of your love. Or don't and move backwards, embracing that lost little girl you were a few years back. I could choose to continue on the path I had before, falling back into old habits. Embracing self preservation. Cowering back when fear started pressing in. Or I could trust Him and His promise that it's different this time. Trust that His promise, who I am in Him is more than enough and I am not my past failures, shame, wounds...is actually true. He gave me the strength and courage to acknowledge the needs and desires of my heart. Give them a voice not knowing how they would be reacted to. Each time some fear or wound from my past resurfaced and I interacted with it and shared it with him(my friend) he patiently and discerningly held it. He(my friend) interacted with it. As he interacted with me through all of it...God redeemed these painful dark areas. The most recent was with our last conversation. The one we decided to completely take a step back...all the way to square one. Friends. It wasn't an immediate decision. It was something we had to talk about a few times to get on the same page. Fear immediately swept in. The fear of this is happening because I'm some twisted combination of not enough or too much. The fear of him finding someone else and there being a connection. The fear of my heart being wrong. The fear of feeling like I was sharing him and competing with someone else for his heart. That last one was the most painful. It took me straight back to being married and competing with my husband's lover for his heart and attention. That one made me sick to my stomach and took my breath away. We talked about all of them which was NOT easy. The ugly of my past was showing out...and he didn't shake. He(my friend) stayed constant.
My friend...is true. No false pretensions. No guessing or games. His honesty, trust in my heart, and strength leave me breathless. I trust him. He's like no man I've met. Through him God is redeeming men...what I've known, felt and experienced. Once again. God continues to leave nothing untouched. He continues to take me into my fall from Eden. Giving me opportunity to stand on who I truly am. Feel the weight of who I am. Feel and experience my heart. Embrace it. Be honest with it. Stand up for it. Redeem it by choosing it and facing fears and not building up walls. Recognize what was vs what is and overcome it with who I am. To see and feel my old self slough off, giving way to beauty, truth and strength. It's incredible.
I know how He works, moves and speaks in my heart. I am not always perfect in the translation but I am very fluent and pretty spot on with deciphering the message. I know He will not allow just any man to step into my life and know, experience, and handle the areas of my heart that need redemption, healing and restoration. He's not like that. He's laying a foundation. One that is imperative to build a relationship that lives and breathes Him. That's what I base my faith and confidence on. The dirty work. The honesty and hard conversations. The decisions that cut and sting. They are what leave us bare. In a beautiful vulnerable nakedness where there are no masks, multiple identities, no walls. This detour has reminded me that my desire is to live naked and unashamed. Like Eve before the fall. How insanely ridiculous that will be. I am thanking Him for His unexpected detours...they make life spontaneous. I am all caught up in His wild uninhibited love and pursuit of my heart.
"Yet God has made everything beautiful in His time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11
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