Exhausted and Restored

The emergency department seems to have seasons. Kind of like life. There are times nothing can touch you no matter what patient or family comes in the team you are working with is just on it. And while being "on it" there is joy and laughter. Days with medical miracles-people that against all odds survive the impossible. Not only survive but forever change and impact your life. There is a time of steadiness-broken bones, sprains, falls, colds, toothaches and boils. A time of migraines, abdominal pain, asthma attacks, and blood clots. A time of seizures, new diagnoses of cancer, strokes, and heart attacks. A time of code after code after code and then quiet and then stroke and seizure and head bleed. There is a season of dead calm and silence. When the ED is like a ghost town. It's a bit eerie really. Instead of complete rest and peace often what is felt is anticipation and angst. Waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. For the word quiet to be said. For the whole department to be engulfed in the dark bleak insanity and craziness we've experienced before and care to never know again. Life has been a lot like the ED for me. Seasons of rolling with the punches. Mundane day to day activities. The dark sickening blow of heart break or a loved one hurting. Times of celebration, joy and heart stopping beauty.

This week I have experienced a smattering of it all...beauty and joy of friendship. A patient with stroke symptoms then had a seizure and then coded(needed CPR) and didn't survive after pouring all we had into him. There were a few boils and toothaches, respiratory failure, GI bleed, chest pain after chest pain after chest pain that was actually anxiety, pneumonia, indigestion...the manipulative suicide patient that brought back memories of my ex and that's just getting started. It's been a week. That's not including EVERYTHING else that is filtering through my mind and heart and all the interactions with the families of the patients I cared for.

Exhausted. That's me in a nut shell right now. Worn down. I couldn't interact with anything so I turned it all off and went into task mode. Do do do and just keep plugging away. Don't feel or think because that will just take everything to a whole new level of difficulty.

I woke up this morning feeling groggy and just kinda blah. As I woke up slowly in bed just lying around dosing on and off I was reminded to be careful with how I woke up. In other words be aware of my thoughts. Take a step back and be still. All I could feel was nothing. I shut down for three days and it was time to open back up. It's not an easy feat. It's like a huge steam locomotive that had been gaining momentum over the past three days trying to stop on a dime. Hot steam billowing ...groaning and screeching of brakes locking...jolting and jerking...and then all is still.

Through the steam and jolting and screeching He whispered to me. Hope. Restored. I got out of the shower to find a letter pushed under my door. "I think today is about hope." As I read these words, the tears I had been holding back for the past three days broke loose. "Without hope we despair. I think God wants us to dream, to hope, and to trust." Little did Bethany know that as I was halting my locomotive the very thing I was interacting with was protecting myself from hope. Because as I said before hope is not for the faint of heart. And today my heart felt pretty wimpy and the first thing I wanted to do was protect it. Which meant maybe a little hope but not reckless abandonment to hope. I read over the letter a few times and as tears streamed down my face the experiences, words, actions, thoughts of the past three days flowed away with them. I realized for the past three days hovering just under the chaos was an undertone of eerie stillness that had caused me to start taking back my heart. As I shut down I shut Him out. I started to doubt. I started to think about that blasted proverbial shoe. I started to lose sight of hope. When all that is going on around me tempts me to hold back, self protect, and shut down He reminds me to hope. I will fight the fear of hurt and disappointment. I will trust in His heart. I will hope...with His help.

Restored. "You have been transformed, and you are being transformed. You've been given a new heart. Now God is restoring your glory. He is bringing you fully alive. Because the glory of God is you fully alive."(Waking the Dead) This is His promise to me. When I go into self protection mode. Refusing to feel and just act. He will restore me. He will bring me back to center. He will restore stillness and peace. If I let Him. Restored is what I'll be when all is said and done. Restoration is the process of life with Him. Restore-bring back, reinstate. Today is a day of hope and restoration. It's a beautiful thing.