It Is Finished

There are some secrets...some moments in life we just don't talk about.  Often it's dark.  It's ugly.  Feels dirty.  It's painful and shameful.  Thinking about it takes us back there...the feelings come back...smells...sounds...visions.  A time warp sucking you back and delivering a down-to-your-knees sucker punch to the heart.  It's the kind of experience that makes people stop and stare.  Unsure what to say or how to respond.  Not the kind of thing you share with just anyone in passing or in every day conversation.  More than likely this secret has molded the individual despite her/his fight to rise above it.  Scarred us.  Causing one to build up towering walls of safety and protection...a fortress really with motes and crocodiles and a HUGE wrought iron draw bridge that we do not lower under any circumstance.  I have such a moment in my life.  I share it because it's imperative you know:  He redeems, heals, and reconditions such moments.  He gives freedom where there is chains.  Light where there is darkness.  Soothing comfort where there is heart shattering pain.  Love and grace where manipulation and guilt once reigned.  

I knew a man that offered the world.  He was in his own right Don Juan.  Smooth with words and naturally knew what I thought I wanted.  He bought flowers and balloons.  Pulled over the car when my favorite song played and invited me to dance in the rain.  He did everything I thought the man of my dreams should do.  The more I got to know him the more I stopped listening to my conscience and the more I allowed my heart to be swayed by his actions and words.  My conscience told me he wasn't for me.  There was a lot to him I didn't care for.  He was rude and disrespectful to people, his parents included.  We had little in common...BUT as he so convincingly said many times love can get you through anything.  He did everything I believed someone in love would do...and convinced myself I should give him a chance. About 4ish months later we were exclusively dating and he came to see me at college.  Over the past few months he had been pushing physical boundaries but respected my wishes to not go any further.  This particular time was an exception.  For the first time my resistance and asking him to slow down and back off had no power.  No didn't mean anything and he had his way with me despite my resistance and plea for him to stop.  His initial response when all was said and done was, "You know you could have me arrested.  I don't deserve you.  I'm taking you back to your dorm.  We can't be together."  He was always so good with manipulation and somehow taking blame yet making me feel sorry for him.  Never, I'm so sorry.  I was wrong.  He acted so angry with himself.  I was desperate to talk to him and reason through everything.  Before taking me back to school, I convinced him to go to a nearby park so we could talk.  We walked in the park and hashed things out.  I told him we didn't need to end our relationship.  When I said no I meant no...that I loved him and I would never turn him in.  What happened was ok and he needed to stop beating himself up about it.  Trouble is, from that point on, my no had no power.  No weight.  No substance.  Soon it happened again and again.  We stayed together...for a long time.  It wasn't until we separated and I wasn't living with him years later that I even remembered what had happened.  

In 2007 I was driving up to Traverse City MI to run in my first race.  I was alone in my car...driving through the Michigan country side along beautiful lakes when out of now where the memory of what had happened resurfaced.  As the cobwebs cleared and the dust settled I remembered.  My self enforced amnesia dissipated.  Suddenly it was as clear as day.  He raped me.  He raped me and I said it was ok.  I told him I loved him.  I didn't turn him in and I shouldered the responsibility.  I said no.  I told him no and he didn't care.  I was angry.  Angry for forcing myself to repress and forget it.  Angry at myself for more or less rolling over and not fighting for myself...for my heart...for respect.  Angry that no didn't mean no and I had convinced myself out of self preservation he loved me.  

Fast forward 5 years to Easter 2012.  I was on a road trip to Marion Indiana to visit a dear friend of mine.  As I drove the hundreds of miles from NC to IN He kept bringing up little moments from my past.  I was so frustrated with Him.  I had nowhere to get away from Him.  I was alone in the car and nothing but road ahead of me.  I asked why He kept bringing up the moments we had already dug up and worked through.  All I heard in response was a whisper...it is finished.  I did not understand.  He was persistent.  Memory after memory  of heart breaking moments came to mind and He reminded me how He had restored each one with truth and life.  Feelings resurfaced and His healing and redemption flowed behind each one.   It is finished...  What does that even mean?!  What is finished?!  After about 10 hours of driving I found myself back in Marion.  Marion is where my Mama and Papa met each other and got married.  Where I was born.  Where I went to college.  Where I was raped.  Marion is a place of life altering moments in my life.   It's where life began for me.  Where I became a nurse.  Where a part of me died one fateful evening.  

Easter is my favorite holiday.  It celebrates the most incredible sacrificial unconditional life giving love that ever existed.  It celebrates the moment He shouldered our darkness and sin and bridged the ridiculously vast canyon that separated us from Him.  Without His death there would not be life.  Without His sacrifice we would not have hope.  Every year Easter takes me back to the moment He conquered death and hell.  This Easter He led me back to the place I died and walked a fine line between heaven and hell.  Like a motion picture He began to replay the past 14 years of my life.  I saw our journey from the blackest darkness I've ever known to life giving heavenly light and beauty.  The reconditioning of memories.  The fight  to breakdown walls and build trust.  The restoration of life, healing of deep wounds, and the rehabilitation of lies into truth.  The slow hand in hand walk we traversed through every memory and moment that lead me to this road trip.

During my visit, He invited me to run in the park I had gone to after I was raped. I accepted his invitation and was ready to plow into the park strong and confident.  I wanted to show that park I wasn't the same woman that had been there 14 years prior saying I love you...I'm not going to report you...when I say no I mean no. I ran into the park on a mission.  He slowed me down, took the fire out of my determination and said walk with Me.  I fought His invitation to walk at first.  I had too much to prove.  I ran a few feet and He caught my eye with a beautiful tree that I just had to take a picture of with my phone.  I took a picture...then remembered my mission and started running again.  Then there was this cute bridge with a stream running under it I had to capture with a photo.  Moments later I remembered my mission and ran a couple steps only to stop, captivated by how the park had changed over the past 14 years.  I digressed, with a smile escaping my lips, took His hand and walked through the park slowly.  He captured my attention time and time again with the simple beauty of the park.  I was enamored.  The park had changed.  It wasn't what I remembered. 

The last time I had been at Matter Park it was dark and oppressive.  It was empty.  It was falling a part.  It was on the brink of death.  The community saw the potential the park had and believed in it.  Took the time and patience to restore it.  The areas dead grass and fields had once inhibited gave way to flower beds...a frisbee golf course...a huge new playground area... a gold fish pond...a windmill garden with statues of children.  It radiated life, hope, joy, painstaking sacrificial love, and stop you in your tracks beauty.  As I made my way around a pond with ducks frolicking and quacking I looked ahead and stopped.  My jaw dropped and tears brimmed in my eyes.  Across a little broken down bridge was a playground toy I played on as a child almost 30 years ago.  It was in amazing condition.  Tears fell.  I was astonished.  In that moment He brought me back to my innocence...my beauty...my pure heart.  He brought me face to face with the little girl I once knew with dreams and hopes.  The Anna that was untouched, no wounds, no lies...just life and joy.  He whispered, this is the truth of who you are Anna. This is who you are to me.  This is who you've always been.  I brought you here because you're ready to receive this truth.  This park is a reflection of you and your life. You were here as a little girl first.  Full of life, innocence, beauty, hope...it was stolen.  You were scarred and life became dark and empty as death tried to settle in.  I always believed in you.  I never left you.  As you sought me out, you allowed Me to dig up the lies and pain and replace them with seeds that blossomed into flowers and trees.   You endured tremendous pain as I uprooted everything that tied you down and suffocated you, as you relied on my peace and promises to sustain you.   Your trust in Me and desire for life released My power and ability to do all that was necessary to restore you.  And now look at you.  The darkness is gone.  The lies and wounds have lost their power and sting.  I'm reuniting you with truth-the innocence, hope and beauty of your youth.  You've been transformed...resurrected.  You were dead.  Now you are alive.  What happened, your past, no longer has power over you.  It is finished.  You are free.  No more looking back.  It is finished.  Death has lost it's sting.  The foundation has been laid, there's no where to go but up.  It's time to play...

Praying you trust Him to restore and heal you.  Praying He reconditions the moments and memories that keep you captive and hurting.  Asking Him to flood you with His light, love, peace, and beauty...that He helps you breathe and brings you to life.  Love like Shadrach's blazing furnace...Anna