Silver Spoon

***This blog is from a very special collection of writings to/for my sista, my dear friend, my sweet love Mari. Pat. Thomas.  Knowing, she knows and trusts me, I share this...so you too can know the truth of your silver spoon.***

Silver Spoon.  Think about it for a tic.  What comes to mind when you think of a silver spoon?

I briefly mentioned to you my quest to wrap my head around the value of my heart.  What I deserve.  Why I deserve anything.  Do I in fact deserve what I have always wanted.  How I value my heart vs how others value it.

For as long as I can remember the sermons in church that impacted me and how I see my heart are the ones I heard as a child.  The ones condemning me to hell because I’m sinful.  The ones urging me to earn His love.  Stating my heart is wretched, ugly, not good enough, and a disappointment.  Sending me into a perpetual cycle of trying to earn His love and prove my love.  Which eventually ended in failure because I am human.

I didn’t realize how deeply embedded these half truths were, until a few weeks ago.

This truly isn’t just about my heart…it’s about your too.  And Philip’s.  And Ezra’s.  And…

What is your response when someone proclaims…your heart is beautiful.  It’s golden.  It’s good.  It’s kind.  It’s priceless.  It’s…  Dumbfounded.  That was always my response.  Then debate.  But it’s also selfish.  Judgmental.  Deceitful.  Weak.  Undisciplined…  I don’t deserve anything.  That’s what I truly believed in my heart.  I’m not perfect…I get things wrong.  I don’t deserve His blessings.  I deserve mediocre.  I deserve pretty good.  If I was better then I would deserve better.  What a pile of bullshit, eh’.(That was appropriately matched with a strong emotion.  Just saying.  I’m not donating to your jar…lol)

It’s been a battle.  How can it be both?!  Usher in Paul in the new testament…  My heart says, desires and intends this.  My body does this.  I am not my what my body does.  *Paraphrasing of course*

Flynn’s wise words are what started breaking through the musty shadows and cobwebs.  You want to be better because you love Him.  Your desire to be better is one way you love Him.  It’ll be a continual process all you life.  It’s a good desire.  Not meant to oppress and enslave you, but to challenge and free you.  *again paraphrasing*  Those, or rather one’s similar, are what she spoke to me after I broke down from the earlier part of the conversation.  I felt guilty for buying something for myself.  She and I had just been discussing purchasing something, I think it was couches.  I expressed to her the fact I’d rather not spend money on something like that when we have decent couches now and the money could go towards something else.  Then my thoughts turned to the purchase I had made earlier that day.  A silver heart necklace.  One I had been eyeing for 4 months.  I was drawn to it.  It wasn’t necessarily needed, like the couches, but I wanted it.  I showed her the necklace I had around my neck and her response was like a warm natural spring to my guilty achey heart.  It’s perfect…she said.  It’s totally you.  You so deserve it.  Tears.  Tears started rolling down my face.  You never do anything for yourself Anna.  I’m so glad you got it.  You deserve it.

My silver heart necklace is made out of a silver spoon.  Knowing how He loves me…knowing there’s meaning behind everything, I googled silver spoon.  I thought there had to be more to it than the negative connotation of “born with a silver spoon in her mouth” I knew.  I thought no way…I’m not spoiled.  I’m not entitled.  I’m not a rotten brat.  Then He started reminding me of words He had spoken to me through scripture.  About treasures…blessings…heart being good…riches…princess/daughter/beloved…mansions…  Then I remembered telling Flynn how He spoils me.  How I’m so blessed.  He opened my eyes to how I had been living in the half truths I embraced as a child and how they hindered His love and ability to bless me.  He told me I do deserve a priceless life.  Because I’m His and because He said so.  I was born with a sliver spoon the moment I embraced Him and asked Him to be my Savior…my Love…my Redeemer.  There is nothing to earn.  Nothing to prove.  I deserve it because I’m His.  Heaven’s riches are my inheritance and I didn’t have to lift a finger to work for it…I just had to say the word.  Forgive me.  I’m lost and dead without you.  Save me please.  I believe in your unconditional sacrificial death defying love.

That evening I finally believed…I deserve it.  I deserve priceless and more.  My heart is that stunning.  That loving.  That generous.  Like Cinderella rising from the dust of a shabby attic and putting on the glass slipper…I wear my silver spoon.  It truly is perfect.  A symbol of truth.  Love.  Me.  Believing in this truth has made all the difference.  It causes anything that would tempt me to settle or compromise to repel as oil does from water.

This is true of your heart too.  It’s true of your life.  The moment you voice He is your Savior, you are born with a silver spoon.  If you don’t believe or know this to be true, I pray He moves heaven and earth to open your heart to it and give you the grace and courage to embrace and live in it.