Exodus

***This blog is from a very special collection of writings to/for my sista, my dear friend, my sweet love Mari. Pat. Thomas.  Knowing, she knows and trusts me, I feel compelled to share this.***




I'm not sure how many of you have an era in your life you overcame.  Maybe with a little challenge and stretching.  Or maybe like me a complete shattering of all you were to be pieced back together into who you were meant to be.  

When we trust Him, God, with our everything.  We give him permission to unload, uncover, dig up anything hindering us and tempting us to live in a state of half truth, half life/half death...settling for a grass hut in the desert when He offers what we truly desire.  For me it would be a cabin in the mountains.  With a wood burning stove, rain barrels outside, a huge garden, flowers and trees...you get the idea.  I submitted my life to Him as a child.  I was in the first grade.  I remember the conviction of needing Him to know I desired Him.  I needed Him to know I chose Him.  Just to make sure He knew how serious I was, I went to just about every altar call I could.  But that first time was all it took.  In the moment I became His.  

I've read a few articles on salvation by John Piper.  If you haven't read any of His stuff you MUST.  He's incredible.  And I must say thank you so much Flynn for introducing me to his heart and words.  I mention this because one of his articles spoke of the very thing I wrote about below.  Salvation and life don't come into stages.  It is a continual process of submission, redemption, sifting, proclaiming, refocusing, experiencing...  It is all connected.  All intermingled.  Nothing is to be separated, forgotten, denied, ignored, hidden.  Below is a post I wrote to my stunning sista M.P.  I share it with you because I have a feeling I'm not alone.  I want you to read and see how He moves, speaks, and guides...it's personal.  But if we don't get real and vulnerable with each other then how will we ever overcome the lies and tauntings that confine and suffocate us?! 

"I was asked recently how I’m handling all the paperwork I’m filling out for the Guard.

Honestly it’s been very stretching.  It’s been so hard associating me with that name again.  Odynski.  Blah.  It’s like dirty lukewarm dishwater with soap scum remanent hovering over the top of the water, in my mouth.  You know the kind of dishwater that has wilted lettuce and food particles floating in it.  Makes your skin crawl just thinking bout your hand in it to take the stopper out.

I’ve had to delve into the past ten years of my life.  When I say delve I mean…we’re going deep.  Like Finding Nemo with scary teeth and glowy light fish, deep.  The hours I have spent on the phone.  Ohh man.  You know how I am with the phone.  I have had to remember and find all the addresses I’ve lived at over the past 10 years(there are 9 of them by the way)  AND name people…full names at that, who knew me at those addresses.  AND all the jobs I’ve worked along with supervisors and their full names(there are eight of them).  AND the times I was unemployed and someone that knew me during that time.  AND all the debt/accounts I’ve taken care of over the last couple years with amount paid off, dates, and account numbers and addresses/phone numbers to the companies.  And any traffic tickets I’ve had over the last 10 years.  Then I had to fill out info on Jeff.  Ughh.  When I called all these people 90% of them had no idea who Anna Thomas is.  She doesn’t exist to them.  I had to identify with Odynski.  Blah.  Spew.  Gag.

My response to that question was…I’m doing pretty well.  I’m plugging along.  Then I chewed on the question a little.  I realized I wasn’t really interacting at all with it.  I was plowing through it.  Trying to just get it done.  He slowed me down.  As He so often does.

I haven’t completely felt the weight of it all.  I think I’m still kinda numb and resistant.

How?!?!?!

How, do I…(tears).  How do I, with my head held up high, and heart strong, alive, and beating…allow myself to allow who I was be a part of who I am?  How do I not completely cut her off and throw her into the past I’m so eager to put to rest?  How do I allow her to stand in my shoes?  How do I not keep her in the attic, locked away in rags, like the evil step mother from Cinderella?!?!  How do I let Him redeem and sanctify Anna Odynski?

I’ve realized all this time I’ve been living my life as if it was in two stages.  Lost and Found.  Dead and Alive.  Dark and Light.  Nightmare and Fairy Tale.

He told me yesterday, as I was thinking about the question, He’s taking into account my exodus.  Like the israelites leaving Egypt, I’m leaving my life of slavery and oppression.  I’m on the brink of the promised land.  It’s a census of my life.  No detail left unaccounted for.  No separating my life in two pieces.  Connecting it all.  Counting everything.  Recording it all for one file.  Every address, job, debt…literally the facts of my life on paper.

I am so ashamed of her.  So disappointed.  So judgmental.  Like unrighteous royalty looking over my nose at her begging on the street.  I just want to get out of the dark stench filled slums to my castle asap.  God forgive me, please.  Soften my heart to myself…

Wow…I didn’t see any of that coming.  I had no idea it was there.  I’m still crying.

Do you think the israelites cut who they were off from who they became?

I’ve rejoiced in my transformation and freedom and healing…I’ve thanked Him and praised Him.  But I’ve mismanaged something.  I can’t put my finger on it exactly.  I feel like He’s asking me to come along side Anna Odynski and bring her into the light.  Not be ashamed.  Embrace her and give her my sliver spoon.