Forever and Almost Always

A few years ago I heard the author of the book "In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day" speak at a church. There are a few things he spoke of that night that resurface in my mind occasionally. The one that had the greatest impact on my life was when he spoke of vacationing on an island that had a ridiculous amount of roosters. He spoke of waking up every morning to the crow of a rooster. One morning in the midst of this unescapable reoccurring early ritual (the rooster crowing), he interacted with God. It was during this interaction Peter came to his mind. He said he thought about what Peter must have felt whenever a rooster crowed after that fateful night. Can you imagine? A constant reminder of the decision that most contradicted your heart. Yet it is what you chose. A decision with great consequences. The kind that brings constant subtle heart ache, regret, and sorrow.

This weekend I drove up to Indiana. Alone. Me, starbucks coffee, my thoughts, music, and 720ish miles of road. Before I hit the road I made a cd of new songs I had just downloaded and some favorites that would keep me awake, singing, and even dancing in my car. As I approached central Ohio, Forever and Almost Always by Kate Voegele(one of the newbies) filled the air. As she sang her words started sinking in a bit. It was like a sweet repulsion of sorts. It felt like a beautiful contradiction. The music filled me with peace and the words stirred up an unsettling feeling that sat on my chest like a ton of bricks. I replayed the song, trying to figure out what it was about the words that felt so abrasive. As her sweet voice filled my car again her words and story became crystal clear. I felt like I was listening to the script of my life from 1999-2007 as she sang. It was the picture perfect description of my life set to lyrics and music. I was stunned. Then I was upset I was stunned. Then I was frustrated that I was upset and I began to think we can't be going into this again. How is it this needs to be revisited. My rooster crowed.

I felt nauseous. I rolled down my windows. I felt vulnerable which pissed me off because I felt like I should be past it. Is this going to be the story of my life I thought. Will I ever be at the place this doesn't feel like a sucker punch to my heart. Am I that weak...slow...stuck? I listened to the song again and a second blow came barreling into my gut. "And you'll be mine. Forever and almost always." Forever and almost always I thought...why does that seem like it means something. Forever and always...you've got to be kidding me. It's what he wrote on every card, note, letter...Forever and Always. Ughh. How deep does this stuff go? Are we really interacting right now about what he used to write me on cards? Did I really need to be reminded of what I've been through? If so why? Why? Why can't we just be done with this? I turned off the music.(yes I was throwing a bit of a fit)

I drove in silence for a little while. What is this? What is this making me feel? Why is this making me feel this? What are You up to? How are we back to this and did You really need to go to the degree of what he used to write to me? It was hard to hear her put into words my past. Exactly what I felt, what I thought, what I said. What was the point of it?

I was reminded of the rest of the author's story. As he continued to think about Peter and roosters he felt lead to the Bible. He found himself at the end of John(21) when the disciples were on a boat and Jesus was on the shore. It's one of my favorite passages. One I like to close my eyes and visualize. "Peter do you love me", He asked. Not once but three times. Many authors(this one for example), scholars, and theologians believe He asked him that question for each time he denied Him. As he(the author) continued to speak about roosters, Peter, and Jesus He mentioned something about being reconditioned. The act of shining His wisdom and Truth into what is not truth and may be the result or consequence of our decisions. Taking the sting out of lies, mistakes, poor decisions by giving opportunities to experience the truth of who we are and who He is. By doing this He redeems the memories. He fills the memory with His presence and grace. Once His truth meets the consequence and we choose Him, He becomes the memory. It's no longer about making a mistake, it becomes a memory of how He redeemed it. He covers it with His blood and there is no longer guilt, pain, regret, sorrow. There is peace, love, grace, and a strengthened faith and trust. In doing this He allows us to experience life the way it should have been all along. Memories don't disappear. But they can be reconditioned. They can be used as stepping stones in discovering our hearts and Him.

This is "the point", Anna, He whispered. I don't just kind of redeem. I'm in it until it's 100% finished. So yes. We are going into this. Even what he used to write to you. I love you. I will not stop. I will leave not leave anything untouched by me. I promise.

These are the words to the song...

"So the story goes on down the less traveled road. It's a variation on the one I was told. And although it's not the same it's awful close. In an ordinary fairytale land, there's a promise of a perfect happy end. And I imagine having just short of that is better than nothing. (chorus)- So you'll be mine forever and almost always. And I'll be fine, just love me when you can, yeah. And I'll wait patiently. I'll wake up every day just hoping that you still care.

In the corner of my mind I know too well, that surely even I deserve the best. But instead of leaving, I just put the issue to bed and out of my head. And just when I believe you've changed for good. Well you go and prove me wrong just like I knew you would. When I run out of second chances, you give me that look and your off the hook. Because you're mine forever and almost always. Well I'm fine, just love me when you can. And I'll wait patiently. I'll wake up every day just hoping that you still care.

What am I still doing here? It's all becoming so clear. You'll be mine forever and almost always. It ain't right to just love me when you can. I won't wait patiently or wake up every day just hoping that you still care.

Forever and almost always. No, it ain't right to just love me when you can baby. Ain't going to wait patiently. I won't wake up every day just hoping that you'll still care."