Weight of Words

Yesterday morning I woke up, grabbed my journal, and with eyes blurry trying to adjust to the late morning light and mind groggy with sleep I lifted my pen and let words flow from my heart onto my journal paper. I wrote of a conversation I had the night before. Later on in the day I shared this conversation with a very wise and dear friend. As I wrote about the conversation, I realized how monumental it really was. The fears and familiar feelings(confusion, doubt, weakness) the conversation had brought to the surface. Feelings I hadn't felt since I was dating and single (before I was married).

First I need to back track a little. Before I got married I was in a great place. I felt confident in who I was(who I thought I was). I felt strong in my love for God, though my discernment and understanding of His Spirit was not yet honed, I felt pretty confident as a Godly woman. I was at a place in my life I was happy with being single. I was comfortable in my own skin. And a guy came into the picture(isn't that how it always happens). Kind of like life for Adam and Eve in the garden and then the serpent came. Like Eve, I was naive. I knew better. I knew what my heart truly wanted but was easily distracted and convinced of something otherwise. I told him I wanted nothing more than to be friends. He said he understood and he was good with that. But, he said, even friends hang out from time to time. Friends have lunch and go to see movies.

I took a bite just as Eve did. I, for a split second thought that just maybe it was ok to go against my heart. Ok he knows where I stand, what could this hurt. So we went out once. Tennis was my choice, because I thought the farther he was from me (across a tennis court to be exact) the more I could control the situation and the less likely he would try to attempt anything. This should have been my first sign to not let anything go farther because I didn't even trust him enough to go for a walk, I barely trusted him to play tennis. Needless to say it went pretty well. Then there was a second time...and a third... Still knowing it was just "friends" he'd push his limits and see how far he could get. He played sappy love songs...I popped out the tape or changed the channel. He "made dinner"(I later found out after we were married he got it from a restaurant and put it in separate pans to make it look like he had cooked dinner. To which some of you will think is cute and the others are saying see he was lying from the beginning. I agree on both counts.) and then put in a movie trying to put his arm around me and cuddle. In time his pursuit of me became sweet. He wanted to know me and asked all kinds of questions all the while testing his limits regardless of what I said. In time I thought, he seems to really like me. He thinks I'm beautiful. He bought me my first dozen roses. He pulled the car over and had me come out with him to dance in the rain to my favorite song. I began to second guess my heart. Maybe he's the one. He's doing all the things I always wanted a guy to do. Maybe this was as close to perfect as it was going to get. Maybe I should give it a try. All the while my heart was twisting and telling me just friends-put a stop to this now.

I didn't put a stop to it. I gave in. My words, thoughts and needs didn't ever have any authority or weight in our relationship just like it didn't when we first met. Now let's move ahead to the present. The same questions and feelings came to surface with a conversation I had with a guy recently. Once again...in my life His redemption has often come through similar experiences to the ones I had originally first had. This is no different. "I just want to be friends", I said. "I know and understand you want to be friends. Even friends hang out. Friends go out to lunch or go out for a walk", he responded. There are other things that were said that I won't divulge but I'll just say it sent off red flares. Ok to be perfectly honestly it was more like a 4th of July show of fire works saying, "Really?! Really Anna, doesn't this seem just a little too familiar." This friend of mine repeated what I had said to him like he heard me, but in his response he told me there was a hidden agenda. Though he insisted there wasn't. His response didn't communicate to me "I understand and respect where you're coming from". It felt more like if you just give me the chance you won't be able to say no and I'll have my way with you. By no means did he come right out and say that. It's how I felt when he responded the way he did. It's how my heart translated his words. The translation I didn't listen to before. The one that told me if you're not interested and if something feels off then the answer is no. Friends or not, trust me(my heart). Trust what I'm telling you here. If he felt safe, if you felt heard, you wouldn't be doubting or second guessing at all.

I have been mulling over this for a few days now. When I got off the phone with my friend I felt a lot like I have before. No weight or power in my words. It made me feel weak. It made me feel inferior. I didn't understand what the next step was. I felt like a failure because it seemed that somehow I was getting the same result I have previously experienced. It made me feel like I haven't changed, like I can't get relationships with men right. Then He lit up my life with His own fireworks display.

No need to be afraid here. I am in this. I've got this. I've got you. You are different and this is different. It's not just in your words it's in your actions. You have a choice here. That choice is what makes the difference. You can say no and then that's the end of that. He has no chance in hell to have his way with you or seduce you in anyway if that's what you choose. You have strength and control here. Don't you see. Your actions and words go hand in hand. Wait. Be patient and trust me. The one that will not just hear you, but will listen to and respect your heart. He's real. So in patience. Trusting Him and His time. In the faith and hope that my heart is right and what I've always wanted and desired is happening even as I write this...even though I can't see it right now. My actions and words communicate: there will be NO lunch, walk, movie...because I trust my heart.

Have you read Song of Solomon? I have...a few times. That's how it'll be for me. I can't wait. It's going to be heaven sent. And now...I wait. My prayer is My Love please..."don't awaken my love until the time is right."

As a little footnote. I do not think men are snakes though in this it may seem like I'm saying that. Life comes with temptations and risks, choices and decisions and in this case it had to do with a guy. Temptation came with the guy. Just as temptation came with the fruit. Men are not snakes...just saying:)