Skinny Tire Bike

October 26, 2010(Journal Entry)

"Ughh! I feel worn out and beaten down. Wow. My body is so tired and sore. My mind is so groggy-all I can really think to say is: Flood every moment with all you are today. Please. Help me break out of this blah feeling and enjoy everything about this day. Speak to me and through me. May today be another step toward redemption-for all of us."

These were my thoughts this morning upon waking up six hours after having my !*# handed to me at work. Had it not been for incredible teamwork and people stepping in and helping out I think I may have needed to be taken out by stretcher to my car. Even with the remarkable teamwork I was just short of needing a wheelchair and stand by assistance to help me pivot into my car. I had a painful realization last night. It is possible to be so sore pillows are even uncomfortable.

After a night like that, often my journal entries consist of...I need You desperately in this day today. I already feel vulnerable and beaten down. I'm waking up needing You to pick me up already. You better be around. You better help me through this. You promised you would.

He did not disappoint.

After journaling I went to a bike shop with my housemates(aka Bethany and Joel). Joel commutes everywhere on his bike. Rain or shine(unless he's sick and his sister-aka me the nurse, isn't hounding him to drive because he's sick and doesn't need to be cold, wet, and tired from riding a bike)he is on his bike. Now for a little bit of background story, Joel(aka one of my 4 brothers) is the same person that inspired me to run about 4 years ago. "Anna, it's an incredible feeling(running). It's just me and God when I run. No one else. Sweat, feet hitting the pavement, pushing my self, alone with my thoughts and Him. It's like nothing I've known. It's something you can do you know. You can run." To which I responded in laughter and sarcasm. "Yeah...I can run. I don't think so Joel. Never have been able to run. Don't think it's possible." That conversation stuck with me. I thought if Joel thinks I can do it...maybe I can. I started off jogging maybe a quarter mile and thought I was going to respiratory arrest and collapse. The next day I went a little farther. Then a little farther. Until I reached 7 miles about 5 months later. He was right. I can run.

So...Joel and I are under the same roof again which is pretty sweet. Joel still runs. He also rides...and rides...and rides. "It's incredible Anna, I can go so fast. I feel so free. And it's just me and Him. You can ride Anna. You can do this.". To which I responded with a little chuckle..."the tires are so skinny(he rides a road bike)-how on earth could that hold a person. I'm not too sure about this." And now we are up to the present day. And...I am at a bike shop. Yep. I'm at a bike shop. And...I'm looking at road bikes. You know the ones with paper thin tires that look like they'd crumble if you hit a little crease in the road. Yep. Me and a skinny tire bike.

I have been wanting to look into a bike since moving here. The thought of not having to use my car, feeling the sun kiss my face, the fresh air...was so enjoyable to me. Then for a number of excuses I put it to the back of my mind. The hills here are so blasted big. And many of the back roads don't have shoulders or sidewalks...and... You get the idea.

We walked into the store. There was a bike with a frame that fit me pretty well. It was alright. I mean I had no idea what I really wanted. A bike yes. But do you know how much goes into picking a bike? It's just short of overwhelming especially when you don't speak the "bike" language. "I'm sorry there are how many brakes where?" "Oh that's the gear shift and the brake, but there are brakes here too." "Ohh my feet go there...right". "And this is a...seat. Gotcha." Luckily for me Joel was there. He is a great translator. I just stood back and nodded my head, acting like I knew exactly what they were talking about. Then it was time to take it for a spin. I felt a slight panic rise into my chest. I have no idea what I'm doing. Don't get me wrong, I rode bikes as a kid, but the tires were thick, a big banana seat, a kick stand and you back peddled to brake. I want a bike!? I do want a bike right? I got on the bike and started peddling. The store guy watched...that is a very strange feeling. Just what I need someone watching on as I peddle around in a parking lot, trying not to turn too quickly or make any sudden movements for fear I would send this pricey toy into a hole and then flip and wreck. Why can't I just let go and take off down the street like Bethany. This "fits" me but is it what I want? What do I want? I want to take off up the hill and cruise around the corners like Bethany. But I just can't. Why?

I don't want to fall in love with this bike and then want it. I don't want to want this. Because if I want this then there is a good chance I'll be disappointed and I won't be able to have it. So I won't even start the vicious cycle of loving it. If I enjoy it then I'll want to enjoy it more. I don't want people watching me figure this out. Muddle through the gears and frantically grab for at least one set of the ten sets of brakes so I can slow down and ungracefully turn corners. I held back. I went around the parking lot a few times and stopped. I was done. I didn't want to want. I didn't want to hope. I didn't want to enjoy and then have to let go. So I just let go...though I guess I didn't even do that because you have to really have hold of something to let it go huh.

He called me out on it. It was one of those "I'm crossing my arms and standing in your way because there is no way we aren't talking about this moment". I knew I was holding back. I knew what I wanted and I held back. I didn't enjoy it. I didn't allow myself to grab a hold of it. It's only a bike right. And if I do it with a bike, what else am I holding back on. Ughh... Desire and love for anything takes risk. Risk of losing it. Risk of it getting denied. Risk of it not being returned. Risk of getting hurt. Risk of being disappointed. It's not safe.

My default mode is to hold back. I got tired of being disappointed, of being denied and not being loved in return. So so tired of heartache and hurting. So protective default mode is to hold back. It keeps me safer but it keeps me captive to something less. "With great love comes great risks", or so I've been told. With great risks comes life...being alive. All senses awake. It's a conscious effort I have to make. Always interacting with my reactions and feelings. In the midst of being called out embrace it and take the risk. It's what brings joy. And I really want a breath taking stunning love. One that stirs and awakens peoples hearts and opens their eyes to the truth that a love so beautiful does exist...all you have to do is trust your heart and follow it. The risk that comes with it will be a devastating one I suppose. And I'm working my way up to it...but first things first, a skinny tire bike.